You Can't Quit Cancer

Things have been running a pretty even keel for me this last few weeks. I have had a wonderful summer so far and it all started with a clean scan. After the excitement of my middle child's college graduation I focused on my upcoming celebration of my 25th wedding anniversary. Let me tell you, it did not disappoint! We traveled to Florida and spent a week at the beach doing a whole lot of nothing. Our days were comprised of sleeping in, leisurely breakfasts, picnic lunches at the beach and dinner out every night. It was a wonderful time. We didn't talk about my cancer. We never told a soul. I'll be honest with you, it was kind of nice. It was really nice. I felt like we were finally living beyond the shadow that cancer casts over everything. Things felt...well, normal (for lack of a better term). I actually kind of enjoyed this deception. I would think to myself "no one has to know". I know this had to be a relief for my husband as well. He is used to me "wearing" my anal cancer on my sleeve and this reprieve from the daily blah, blah, blah of me raising awareness had to feel nice. Oh to escape cancer! What a pleasure! I got to thinking about this foreign feeling of "escape". I realized how dangerous it is. It's not what you think. It's not about me and my peace of mind or potentially risking my health (which I will never do again - I call the doctor if I fart funny these days). It's more that, I cannot risk standing down. It would be pretty easy to just pretend. How simple to just run away and hang amongst people who never knew. I did it for a week and it was fun! But, understand this, I will never stop trying to raise awareness. I will never stop telling my story. I won't cease until I die. What I am trying to accomplish is too important...not for me, but for someone I perhaps don't even know yet. Maybe it will be someone I will never meet. I just can't say "I kicked cancer's ass and now I am walking on." I think it's my responsibility to others. It's the right thing to do. It's really the only humane thing to do. Shutting up now and pretending all those awful things didn't happen to me is just....well, chicken shit. I am not afraid. I am not ashamed. I am not "tired of it". And, just so you know, avoiding it doesn't mean it didn't happen or will make it go away....you can't quit cancer.
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Hi Michele-- I agree with you 100%. As many times as I've tried to just walk away from cancer, I just can't. There's too much work to do--educating others, raising awareness and supporting people who have to take this same journey. But I agree that getting a break from it now and then is good for the soul and I'm so glad you had the opportunity to do that. I missed my annual beach vacation this year so I could afford a trip to California in October for my nephew's wedding. I hope you soaked up enough sun and salty air for the both of us! Love and Hugs-- Martha
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It always lives within us, and sometimes it bugs me how much I can't get away from it, even for a day! Thanks for this post...
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Dear Michele - Thank you for this post. It rings true to me. I wish that we could help the medical profession do a better job - so many doctors mistaking anal cancer as a hemorrhoid...but if your work raising awareness gets one person to get that serious examination now, it's worth it. Why did the American Cancer Society drop its recommendation for a yearly DRE? So many questions. I do try to not be totally immersed in Cancer, and sometimes it is helpful that most people seem to think that once you've finished treatment that's it, and they don't even ask anymore... I think we should all schedule a week away every year and not mention the C-word that whole week! XOXO
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Speaking of farts, I just encountered a Scottish expression (in a book of insults, wish I'd found it many years ago!) - so-and-so is "like a fart in a trance."
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Vital Info

Posts

October 3, 2011

Click Here

January 31, 1963

Cancer Info

Anal Cancer

Squamous Cell Carcinoma of the anus

February 5, 2010

Stage 4

2.1 - 3.0 cm

Grade 3

No

As much as possible

Proceeds from my published blog donated monthly

It is a thief

You have to live every day of your life and stay positive :)

Donate $$ to the anal cancer foundation. Raising awareness saves lives!

Is there anything good about poison?

Bone, lung recurrence 9/20/2012

Cancer Center of Kansas, MD Anderson

Bland diet, sitz baths, take your drugs...nobody gets extra credit for suffering.

Talk, talk, talk to somebody. I chose to write.

April 20, 2010

September 20, 2010

Rectal bleeding, itching, sciatic pain. (thought my hemorhoid was acting up)

My blog has been published and proceeds go to The HPV and Anal Cancer Foundation. http://tinyurl.com/72bjjfp

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