The Lost Blogs

I have been blogging for about two and a half years now about this crazy cancer journey that I am on. I completely realize that I am not alone; as one truly drags those around them along on the trip. It is a saga fraught with fear, pain, blood and a few laughs. I have recorded it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. Well, almost all of it. There are few blog entries missing. Lost forever. Never to be read by anybody. I remember the first blog entry I lost. My sister was here and it was about three weeks into my treatments. I had been through a horrible day which included a traumatic visit with radiation oncologist. I was definitely under the influence of narcotics. It was just me and my sissy so it must have been a rodeo weekend which meant Jerry and Maggs weren't home. I recall, quite vividly, sitting in the recliner in the family room "blogging out" the days events. When I had finished I went to post it and my computer locked down completely and then immediately went to the "can't display contents" page. I tried to back button with no luck. My sister suggested I go out and come back in. I tried it and there was nothing in my drafts or posted. Nada. Zippo. Zilch. The sucker was gone. Now, when I say gone, I mean gone! Gone from my computer and gone from my mind. No matter how I tried, I could not retype the words. They were gone for good. I remember dispairing for a minute and then just letting it go. I figured it was divine intervention and all things happen for a reason. This "blog losing" has happened to me a handful of times and as upset as it makes me I eventually just let it go. I stopped even trying to recreate them. You see, for me, blogging is cathartic...a release of feelings and facts. And although I can often recall the facts I find it impossible to reclaim the feelings behind them once they are "out". This is what makes my writing so healing for me. Once it is out, it is gone. The worry, the pain, the fear and isolation. All of the emotion dissipated. This is what makes things surreal for me. When I read back through my blog and can hear my emotions I had at the time of entry I think "Wow! That's how I felt?" or "Man! That sounds so painful!". Events then are not recalled in horror but more in amazement for me. Maybe this is why they were stolen from me after release. They most likely are floating out there somewhere but for some reason I was meant to forget those parts and they perhaps were not meant for anyone's eyes but God's. It makes my blog truely authentic. You can rest assured all the entries are "unretouched". I write it once. So you really don't know the whole story, but neither do I. That will be forever a mystery lying amongst the lost blogs! :) My entire blog can be viewed at: ihavebuttwhat(dot)tumblr(dot)com
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YES Michele, that is the secret...let it out, and let it go. Be well. A big hug from way out west...
Michele likes this comment
Michele-- I have so enjoyed your blog and your book. You express so well many of the same feelings I've had. Some of them are painful and probably best forgotten. I think your few disappearing blogs vanished for that very reason. Keep writing, my dear--getting it all out is most healing. Love, Martha
 Thanks Martha...I am compelled to write. I have no idea where I would be if I did not have it as an outlet :) Michele
my only regret, is not writing sooner. I have most of it written, but I do wish I would have recorded more.
Michele likes this comment
Love reading your blog What is the nme of your book as I would like to read that too Annabelle
 Hey Annabelle, My book title is "If You're Not Laughing, You're Dying" It is availble for nook and kindle as well as in hard copy on the Hillsboro Free Press On line book store. If you privately drop me your e-mail I will send you the hot-links if you have trouble finding it. Thank you for your support on this wonderful site :) Michele
I have enjoyed (not sure that is the right word) reading your blog. How can you enjoy reading about someone's cancer journey? But, you get my drift. You say how your blogging is cathartic for you, but the nice thing is that it is cathartic for us, too. Thank you! Cherie
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Vital Info


October 3, 2011

Click Here

January 31, 1963

Cancer Info

Anal Cancer

Squamous Cell Carcinoma of the anus

February 5, 2010

Stage 4

2.1 - 3.0 cm

Grade 3


As much as possible

Proceeds from my published blog donated monthly

It is a thief

You have to live every day of your life and stay positive :)

Donate $$ to the anal cancer foundation. Raising awareness saves lives!

Is there anything good about poison?

Bone, lung recurrence 9/20/2012

Cancer Center of Kansas, MD Anderson

Bland diet, sitz baths, take your drugs...nobody gets extra credit for suffering.

Talk, talk, talk to somebody. I chose to write.

April 20, 2010

September 20, 2010

Rectal bleeding, itching, sciatic pain. (thought my hemorhoid was acting up)

My blog has been published and proceeds go to The HPV and Anal Cancer Foundation.


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