How Am I Doing?

How am I doing? A lot of folks that care about me have been asking me how I am doing for the last few days. I have answered several ways but mostly I say I am doing just fine and, interestingly enough, find myself comforting them with words of hope. I have discovered that in doing so it affords me comfort as well. Honestly, though, I have felt a wide range of emotions this last few days. My husband was busy all day Saturday with a sports event at the school. I decided to take advantage of the "day to myself". I felt industrious (almost angry), washing every stitch of dirty clothing available to me. I bathed and groomed my dogs. I found myself with an odd desire for comfort foods so I planned a menu and grocery shopped. I came home and baked an apple pie and then began to prepare my grandmother's recipe of goulash and burst into tears when I discovered I did not have any canned carrots. I stood at my kitchen sink and I cried. I allowed myself to cry for 5 minutes. I then leaned over the sink and splashed cold water on my face. I told myself to "Get a grip, girl!" I got in my car and went back to the store and got the carrots. (Del Monte carrots were on sale for a dollar) On the drive back from the store I lectured myself on the power of staying positive and just giving the problem over to God. I have done everything the doctors have asked me to do since my diagnosis. I am alive and doing reasonably well. I just need to "stay the course". I navigated back into our neighborhood and rounded the corner onto our street. I saw our home with the familiar lace bark elm tree in our front yard that is lush and full of leaves. The leaves are tiny but many in number. We about lost this tree in a massive ice storm about 6 or 7 years ago. I thought we might lose the tree but my husband never gave up on it and pruned and nurtured it back from near ruin. It stands tall and lush and beautiful. It was swaying in the wind as I pulled into the driveway. As I patiently waited for the garage door to open I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. At first I didn't know what it was floating on the breeze and I really had to focus my attention on it to discern what it was. It was one of the leaves from the lace bark elm. It was yellowed and this is no surprise because Fall is upon us. Interestingly you can't tell any of the folliage on the tree is yellowed most likely because there are a copious amount of leaves to begin with and it is early yet. But they were there and many of them were fluttering in the air, you just had to look. Those first little leaves to fall truly indicate a big change is coming. I got to thinking that it's kind of like that little spot in my lung on my PET scan. No matter what, big change is coming. My follow up regime has already changed. But I always knew that things, like the seasons, would change for me. I didn't know when but it's here now and I am handling it. Maybe I'm doing it all wrong. Maybe I am doing some of it right. But I am doing the best I can. So I guess the million dollar question is...how am I doing?
Mari sent you a hug.
Sign in or sign up to post a comment.
You are doing beautifully - and generously. Thank you for sharing such an intimate perspective.
Michele likes this comment
I think you are doing great, Michele. I admire you so much for your courage and strength. There may be a change coming, but you are going to handle it the same way as you have everything up to now--with determination to take on whatever you must and continue in survivor mode. I know you can do it! Hugs-- Martha
Michele likes this comment
I think you are doing just fine AND doing it right. Keep that "up" attitude. It is powerful stuff. Thank you for writing this post. I read it with you in mind but also thoughts of my sister were mixed in there as well. She has pancreatic cancer and has endured all that has been thrown at her and her cancer. Stay the course... Hugs, Linda
Michele likes this comment
God Bless you, Michele. You are in my prayers. What a thoughtful and wonderful post!
Michele likes this comment
Michele, It sounds to me like you are doing it all right...I love your positive attitude, and know that is what we all need...so glad you got those carrots on sale. Keep on writing and posting, I know this has been where I've been able to share what is really going on when saying that I'm fine and really not..Hugs Jeanne
Michele likes this comment
You are in my thoughts and prayers also Michele daily! I think you are such an inspiration and God will get you through this. I know your apple pie and goulash had to be wonderful. I hope you enjoyed it. It made me hungry just reading about it. Funny how we look at everything differently in the world now. Things that we probably didn't pay much attention to are now things they we pay attention a whole lot to. Your tree sounds beautiful just like the person you are. Hang in there and keep us updated. xo Nancy
Michele likes this comment
You are doing brilliantly.Just hang in there and keep fighting - we are all with you every step of the way. Just heard back from your publisher. Thinks he has a solution so I am going to follow his instructions. Thank you for your help with this. Take care. Hugs Annabelle
Michele likes this comment
Sign in or sign up to post a comment.
avatar

Vital Info

Posts

October 3, 2011

Click Here

January 31, 1963

Cancer Info

Anal Cancer

Squamous Cell Carcinoma of the anus

February 5, 2010

Stage 4

2.1 - 3.0 cm

Grade 3

No

As much as possible

Proceeds from my published blog donated monthly

It is a thief

You have to live every day of your life and stay positive :)

Donate $$ to the anal cancer foundation. Raising awareness saves lives!

Is there anything good about poison?

Bone, lung recurrence 9/20/2012

Cancer Center of Kansas, MD Anderson

Bland diet, sitz baths, take your drugs...nobody gets extra credit for suffering.

Talk, talk, talk to somebody. I chose to write.

April 20, 2010

September 20, 2010

Rectal bleeding, itching, sciatic pain. (thought my hemorhoid was acting up)

My blog has been published and proceeds go to The HPV and Anal Cancer Foundation. http://tinyurl.com/72bjjfp

Stats

Posts: 145
Photos: 4
Events: 0
Supporters: 214
Friends: 362
Comments:
-Made: 217
-Received: 2128
Views:
-Posts: 444693
-Photos: 9180

New Here?

We are a community of cancer survivors supporting each other. Sign up to comment or create your own cancer blog. Already a member? Sign in