Much Needed Hats
I have been adjusting to this most recent discovery of a "concerning spot" in my lung. No more "crying over a forgotten can of carrots" for me. I really have put on my velcro gloves and gotten a grip. It's only cancer, right? It's not like I didn't know it was coming. Granted I may not have know when it would strike, but ignorance is no longer my name when it comes to this cancer and I have come to accept anal cancer as my own. I can be so naive...
Yesterday I was getting ready to go meet a new friend of mine in Emporia (and that's a whole other blog entry). This is no ordinary friend. She is in the midst of a battle from which I have been enjoying an unexpected reprieve. Her hair is falling out right now from her chemotherapy and I went in search of the various caps and hats that I had worn during my treatment. I remembered that I had stored them in my cedar chest at the foot of the bed on the day that I had "cleaned cancer" out of my bedroom about two years ago. I opened the chest, lifted out a sweater and there was the decorative box that I had stored them in. It is a pretty brown and cream striped box tied with a cream ribbon that sports brown polka dots. I remember having washed them all putting them carefully in the box and the then the chest for safe keeping. I pulled the ribbon free from the box, lifted the lid and they were in there, all "clean and shiny" like my sissy would say. I started to sort through them. Strangely, the first two I touched I put aside thinking "not those". They were two hand knit caps that were made out of soft, baby yarn. I had alternated wearing them everyday during my two week hospitalization when I was so sick and burned and tortured. That box held seven skull caps in all that were primarily used for warmth while sleeping. They are just hats so my angst here was confounding to me. My intention was to throw them all into one of the spare gift bags that are stored in my hall closet and give them to her saying "Enjoy! I hope you get as much comfort as I did from wearing them!" Yet here I was debating on which ones to loan her...that was the key word right there! Loan. I was incapable of giving all these caps away because subconsciously I knew I might need them again. Well, if the caps were a debatabale item to share then the "chemo sucks" and "I love pain meds" buttons were out of the question! I finally managed to pick three hats, one soft yarn and two of the cotton knit. The quirky buttons, however, remained tucked in the bottom of the box under the four hats I decided to keep and I secured them in their box with the ribbon once more and returned them to the safety of the cedar chest.
This whole "hat scene" replayed in my head over and over during the hour and fifteen minute drive to Emporia - what was my problem here? As I often do, I called my sissy to share my feelings...more like validate them actually. When I told her the story she listened while I talked and while I cried. I told her that I did not know if I could do this all again and that it just wasn't fair. I told her about my fears finally getting around to the fact that I was just having a one bad day. My sister validated my feelings, told me that I was entitled to them, and said when I was finished feeling crappy to stand up and "flush" and walk on. She reassured me that it was "okay" that I kept a few hats just in case I needed them and that doesn't mean I am beinging negative...just human...but not negative. We filled the rest of the time just talking about "this and that" and before I knew it I was in Emporia and feeling much better! I went in to the hotel ready to meet my new friend and give her some.....much needed hats.
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October 4, 2012 at 5:51PM PDT by Private User
