Ignorance is Bliss!

It's been a month now. A month since the offending spot was identified lurking in my right lung. It came to mind today because I was required to pick up my barium (yes, it is banana flavored - my favorite - if there is such a thing) and my instructions for my CT scheduled next week. Now don't get the wrong impression I have thought about it, but have chosen not to dwell on it too much. I tried to do the usual google perusing but, as usual, didn't turn up a whole lot of information on it and what little I did find was not really usable. I have come to terms with it. It took about a week, but I really have no choice but to move forward and have mostly just gone about my life, working and pursuing my otherwise normal existence. This I find to be easier to do than those around me apparently.

My first indication that things were not "business as usual" appeared shortly after my blog post - or "I went public" with my PET results. Some people treated me normally, while some gave a somber greeting to me when they saw me offering me a consoling hug as if perhaps I had been given a death sentence and I might crumble at any moment into tears. Am I even upset about this possible metastasis? Sure. Probably disappointed is better word. I was given a death sentence, about two and a half years ago, so I can't be expected to be all dramatic about this little set back I figure. That train left the station a long time ago. Plus, it takes way too much energy. It's not like we weren't expecting my cancer to return someday. I guess that's where the disappointment comes in. Someday is here already.

Secondly I found I was having to tell more and more people that don't actively follow my blog. As I go about doing my job folks like to comment on how good I look and then inquire when my next round scans are and asking if tests are coming out "cancer free". Oh how I hate to deflate their balloons of hope by telling them the truth and then further compound that with the fact that we really don't know anything yet about this new discovery. I am so "over it" (the shock that is) that I always end up reassuring them that things will be okay. Things will be okay, no matter what. I mean, what can we do about it now?

Finally, there certainly isn't anything that could have been done to prevent it. I pray everyday. I don't think God has let me down here. If my scan next week shows the spot has disappeared I will give Him all the glory, where it truly belongs. If that test shows that it has grown I won't curse God and all creation, I will give God thanks for good doctors, caring hands and a family that loves me. There is no blame here people. Do I wish there was more research and drug development for my kind of cancer? Sure. I wish there were greater awareness for certain. I think I have changed that somewhat at least in my own community.

A friend of mine asked me a few weeks ago, "How do you just walk around like everything is okay?" She went on to say that she wasn't sure that she could just do that if it were her. I explained to her that as far as I know everything is okay and I don't know how else to be. I can't just put my life on hold every time there is a hiccup of cancer on the screen. This is going to happen again and we know it. I still have plenty of living to do and lucky for me the internet doesn't contain "too much information". I can walk on and be happy secure in the knowledge that nobody knows what is going to happen to me, including the doctors, which gives way to the saying "ignorance is bliss", which it truly is.

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Annabelle sent you a hug.
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What a cool blog! I'm another stage 4 patient. Wide-spread bone from prostate. People who don't know any better ask when I'm going to be cured. And when I will be cancer free? Others act as if I'm contagious. My oncologist said I may live six months to ten years. Oh, I forgot to mention the kind folks who comment on "how good I look." Well, I'm 74 and know exactly how I look. One positive thing - I don't have to worry about hair loss. It's been gone:) I'll live as long as I'm supposed to live. Fortunately, so far, my pain is minimal and/or controlled with pain pills.This cancer thing came as a complete and total surprise. I thought I was healthy as a horse. So, after the shock, denial, and semi-acceptance I turned to the specialists who laid it out clearly. Not a fairy tale for sure. I wish you the best, Michele.
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That's what I'll be praying for, Michele, that the doctors look at your scan and see no sign of that spot. Hugs, Mari
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Expecting good news! You are an inspiration
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Praying for the spot to have disappeared. Huge hugs, Linda
"Out damned spot! Out I say" as the lady once said. Good luck with your up and coming scan Michele. Maydayx
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Michele--You are just like James Bond--so cool under pressure! I admire that and I truly believe that that spot will be gone on next week's scan! My oncologist refers to such things as "freckles." I don't have a lot of freckles on the outside, so I guess mine are all on the inside! :) Sending you hugs and lots of positive vibes, my dear friend! Luv ya-- Martha
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You've got the right attitude! Hoping and praying things go well with the scan.
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I enjoy your insights and your writing.
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Vital Info

Posts

October 3, 2011

Click Here

January 31, 1963

Cancer Info

Anal Cancer

Squamous Cell Carcinoma of the anus

February 5, 2010

Stage 4

2.1 - 3.0 cm

Grade 3

No

As much as possible

Proceeds from my published blog donated monthly

It is a thief

You have to live every day of your life and stay positive :)

Donate $$ to the anal cancer foundation. Raising awareness saves lives!

Is there anything good about poison?

Bone, lung recurrence 9/20/2012

Cancer Center of Kansas, MD Anderson

Bland diet, sitz baths, take your drugs...nobody gets extra credit for suffering.

Talk, talk, talk to somebody. I chose to write.

April 20, 2010

September 20, 2010

Rectal bleeding, itching, sciatic pain. (thought my hemorhoid was acting up)

My blog has been published and proceeds go to The HPV and Anal Cancer Foundation. http://tinyurl.com/72bjjfp

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