Simply Peace
This has been a rough week. I have had a lot of distraction from wallowing over the annoying spot in my lung with a bit of "it's life" pandemonium. Considering my job, my father-in-law's surgery, my daughter's wisdom teeth removal and a planned trip to Kansas City to see my sons the last week has been jamb packed. Add in a brainstorming session to work on website development and my mind has been gridlocked with hardly any time to really think. This, however, is not the case with my friends and loved ones.
Everywhere I have been people have been inquiring about that damnable spot. "What did your scan show?" is the standard question. When I tell them the plan complete with the "waiting game" I have received a variety of reactions. Most people ask "Why don't you just take it out?" and then go on to say they could never wait. I find myself more or less defending my lack of action and then walking away feeling like perhaps I should consider this a bit more. Enter in the busy week and time for dwelling on my scan results and decision on how to handle it has definitely been sporadic and often interrupted.
As the dust settles on the last ten days of my life I find myself with time to second guess and over think the entire situation. I know that I do not have any real peace about the plan. I am scared. Yes, the spot could be something else, an inflamed nodule or perhaps a "blob" (for lack of a better term) from breathing polluted air all my life. But then I think, "I am 49 years old! I am not a smoker. I have been diagnosed with stage 4 anal cancer. What the hell else could it be?" This thought makes me feel that perhaps I am being naive or in denial. This drives me to do some reading of which little is found and what I do read gives no comfort or sheds any light on what should be done. This is because nobody knows what to do. I can only presume there are not very many people like me. I talk with one of my besties and she recognizes that I am conflicted and she listens and helps me talk it through again...and then again. Hash and rehash as my husband would say. We conclude that the only one that hasn't weighed in is my radiation oncologist. I know he has seen my scan and my general oncologist indicated that they had talked but didn't reveal their conversation or describe what his impression had been. (Why didn't I ask when I was in there? I don't know. Overwhelmed I guess.) A phone call was in order here)
I never want to be considered a pest. Why I feel this way when I have to call a doctor, I don't know. I mean, this is their job, right? I am paying them, right? This is my life we are talking about here not automotive work. I wouldn't think twice about talking to our mechanic. I would call him in a second if I thought something wasn't running right even if I just pulled off their shop property. Regardless, I still feel like a pest when I call, but call I do. I leave a message for Teresa, radiation oncology nurse extrodanaire. She will help me. She always does. When she calls me back she seems surprised to hear from me. I relay the whole story and she says she will speak with the doctor. She quickly has answers for me and says that the doctor wants to work through my family practice center, which is where my scans are read. They had already called over there and my family doctor is on vacation...naturally. They will follow up on Monday.
Oddly, I feel more conflicted than ever. I feel like I am borrowing trouble. I don't want to over step any boundaries, right? But wait a second here, this is MY life. I should not feel like a bother to anybody. I should feel empowered. I am the CEO of my own health care, right? We need to know if that spot is cancer, right? But what if they take it out and it's not cancer. Does that make taking it out a mistake? I think not. I think either way I gain something...even if that "something" is simply peace.
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November 2, 2012 at 7:37AM PDT by Private User
