It's Cancer's Move

The return of my cancer has been a much different experience than my initial diagnosis. The flurry of activity and urgency to start treatment in a somewhat "death defying" act to thwart stage 4 anal cancer has been more than a little bit lacking this time around. I think this is partially due to the fact that we were watching for and pretty much expecting a recurrence. Although that fact that it was in my lung was a bit surprising it wasn't totally out of the realm of possibility. The first time around I had no time to think about things. Coupled with an antidepressant and the fact that I was scared shitless of dying, it comes as no surprise that my sense of humor just took over. This time, however, things are a little more controlled and I have been afforded the opportunity to wallow a bit. You know, consider my own demise and eventual succumbing to this hideous cancer with which I have been stricken. No rush this time. I actually allowed myself to ponder about all the "what ifs" and also the less than pleasant treatments that could be offered to me. Stage 4 anal cancer has become less like a tennis match and more like a game of chess. Instead of thinking that the ball is in cancer's "court" I have likened it more to being on a checkered board on which I have lost a couple of pawns and perhaps a knight or a rook. Cancer makes a move and then I respond with a move. Even if there is a timer involved (which we all know there is) I can at least think about what I need to do, should do, or want to do next. The timer is actually ticking now while I wait for my next scan at the end of February. This one will be a PET scan - head to knees. In the meantime we talk, research, google and debate the options that lie ahead depending on my cancer's strategy. If it comes back in my right lung we'll do "such and such". If it shows in my left lung we'll do "this". If it comes in my liver...God help me. We've also discussed a second opinion from a larger medical center. Let's face it, Wichita KS does not have a large population of anal cancer suffers and very few that defy the stats of a stage 4 invasion. I almost feel like I am "leisurely" fighting cancer. But what can I do? Nobody really knows what's going to happen next. All we can do is wait and see because it's cancer's move.

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