It's Cancer's Move
The return of my cancer has been a much different experience than my initial diagnosis. The flurry of activity and urgency to start treatment in a somewhat "death defying" act to thwart stage 4 anal cancer has been more than a little bit lacking this time around. I think this is partially due to the fact that we were watching for and pretty much expecting a recurrence. Although that fact that it was in my lung was a bit surprising it wasn't totally out of the realm of possibility. The first time around I had no time to think about things. Coupled with an antidepressant and the fact that I was scared shitless of dying, it comes as no surprise that my sense of humor just took over. This time, however, things are a little more controlled and I have been afforded the opportunity to wallow a bit. You know, consider my own demise and eventual succumbing to this hideous cancer with which I have been stricken. No rush this time. I actually allowed myself to ponder about all the "what ifs" and also the less than pleasant treatments that could be offered to me. Stage 4 anal cancer has become less like a tennis match and more like a game of chess. Instead of thinking that the ball is in cancer's "court" I have likened it more to being on a checkered board on which I have lost a couple of pawns and perhaps a knight or a rook. Cancer makes a move and then I respond with a move. Even if there is a timer involved (which we all know there is) I can at least think about what I need to do, should do, or want to do next. The timer is actually ticking now while I wait for my next scan at the end of February. This one will be a PET scan - head to knees. In the meantime we talk, research, google and debate the options that lie ahead depending on my cancer's strategy. If it comes back in my right lung we'll do "such and such". If it shows in my left lung we'll do "this". If it comes in my liver...God help me. We've also discussed a second opinion from a larger medical center. Let's face it, Wichita KS does not have a large population of anal cancer suffers and very few that defy the stats of a stage 4 invasion. I almost feel like I am "leisurely" fighting cancer. But what can I do? Nobody really knows what's going to happen next. All we can do is wait and see because it's cancer's move.Sign in or sign up to post a comment.
Unfortunately, I think cancer does set the schedule when a person is in watch and wait mode. It truly sucks! I am praying for very encouraging results for you in late February!
January 16, 2013 at 2:15PM PST by Private UserDear Michelle, I commend you for thinking of getting a 2nd opinion! It drives me nuts for anyone diagnosed with the Big C not to! Doctors are in name Doctors, not Gods! And speaking of our Lord, God Bless you Michelle and go get em....
Michelle - I can relate to the chess board scenario. You're always in my prayers.
You're addressing a tough topic. Sometimes I tell myself, indeed, the next move does belong to cancer. But, other times, I tell myself it's my move, still, by what I eat, drink, breathe, feel, pray, think, do...Maybe it's denial or fantasy...I just don't know. But I do hope if it is cancer's next move for you, then I hope that cancer defaults on that move, on the whole game, so that your Feb scan is NED NED NED!!!
A quote from a very smart lady:
"You have to live every day of your life and stay positive :)"
You are in my prayers.
Hugs,
Linda
Michele, The clock ticks for all, but we do what we have to do to stay alive. Thee only pre emptive move I know re cancer is prayer and the power of positive thinking. God Bless you and yours. Let kick this cancer together.
Ron
waiting for the unknown :(
We are all waiting with you. But do as you always do - remain positive and do everything possible to kill the beast. Take care Annabelle
Michele
That exactly how I see this Cancer dance! In my case its Cancer turn to lead. We are all on the dance floor together. And were still dancing. Let the music play.
Michele likes this comment
Thanks Edward! Check out my informational web site. It has something for just about everyone. Your cancer included! 52shadesofblue (it's a dot com)
M
An inspiring perspective, Michele. I always enjoy reading what you have to say.
Why thank you Nora!
I hope you CHECKMATE cancer!
Michelle-
I just watched your videos and I am so honored feeling to have ran across your page! I love your brain, your views, your family, and think you have it goin' on!
Kerry xoxo
Thank you! Nice to meet ya!
Just finished a great book called "anti cancer, a new way of life". It would just be one more knight on your side of the board.
Cathy likes this comment
Michelle, I'm late reading this but I just wanted to reach out and hug you.
Yes, go to a larger center - you may well find that what your doctors want to do is supported by the real specialists, and if not you can go into the next phase of this chess game with a better strategy. Take a look at the NCCN list of anal cancer specialists and go for it!
Much love to you...and a sucker punch to that cancer...
God Bless you Michelle. Yes Fight the fight and don't give up! My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Michele likes this comment
