I Am the Pollyanna of Stage 4 Cancer
I have a good attitude about life. I see the silver lining and the good in everything including my stage 4 cancer. This, I find, to be very annoying to people. Especially people that have cancer. In particular it's the "stage 4" of the more common varieties that finds me most offensive. I think, perhaps, the fact that I am not "all up in arms" about there not being enough done to help cure my dreaded type of this disease may be a sore spot with others. I say this to you: They don't know me. They have NO IDEA what it's like to have a cancer that so little research is being done on that the treatment of said cancer has not changed in almost 40 years. They don't know what is like to feel "blamed" for having their cancer. They don't know what I'd give to simply have awareness of anal cancer raised and a screening test of ANY kind offered to all people that have butt holes (by the way, that's pretty much everybody). I am not a complainer by nature, but it seems to me that if I had research being done day and night on my cancer and the study of it had become so advanced that enzymes and genetic expression were being identified as contributors to my state of demise I think I'd be pretty glad about that.
I've accepted the fact that there will be no "late breaking" trial results coming to save my ass and maybe that contributes to my Pollyanna attitude. You know, the "Glad Game" mentality that I own heart and soul may be a protective mechanism to help me cope with the truth of stage 4 anal cancer. But I really think not. Stage 4 "any" cancer is tough to beat and although some of the more popular cancers have many treatments to offer their stage 4 victims, in the end, it is too late for us all and an early exit is in the cards. Since my recurrence, many people ask me what's next as far as treatment and I just say we don't know or sometimes I say we are "making it up" as we go along (because we are) or even that a trip to MD Anderson is in order the next time it rears it's pesky little head. This makes people feel better but the truth is MD Anderson is going to "make something up" too because there really isn't any protocol in place. I am alive well beyond any expectation initially set for me and highly functional (ie: working, exercising, hanging on the planet). My oncologist usually just shakes his head at me and tells me to keep up the good work. So, I just keep praying as this has been the only constant in all my treatments.
Maybe that's it...my unwavering faith in God that has perpetuated this "bright side" annoying attitude I project. Although my faith does sustain me, faith and attitude are not dependent on each other. I know many people that have great faith and are negative about everything. Many famous people of great faith and most of the founders of our faith in the Bible suffered and had atrocious deaths and I don't remember any "Susie Sunshine" attitudes toward it. Even Jesus himself asked for the cup to be removed if possible. Because Jesus "took the cup" I don't have to worry about eternity so I don't dwell on my death anyway, just my life for which I have decided to hang on the bright side of, despite great suffering. So I am saying it right here and now that my faith has little to do with my attitude.
Life is good. I have a bushel of lemons right now and instead of seeing a basket of fruit that is, for all practical purposes, inedible and I might be hungry, I am glad that at least I won't get thirsty drinking all that lemonade I am going to make. You see? It's having something that I don't want or need and finding something to be glad about it for. It seems stupid. Who's glad about having stage 4 cancer? Nobody, right? So let's find something to be glad about it. Let's see...stage 4 cancer proved that I married the right man, he's proven that time and again. Stage 4 cancer drew me closer to my children than ever before, so there's that. Stage 4 cancer showed my sissy would catch me before I ever knew I was falling. Stage 4 cancer brought out my besties in full force. Stage 4 cancer enabled me to make peace with my family (most people never get that). I am breathing today...I'm awfully glad about that! I almost sound like her...no wonder I annoy other stage 4 cancer victims...I am the Pollyanna of stage 4 cancer :)
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April 18, 2013 at 8:01PM PDT by Jeanne
