4 Mother's Days Back

In 2010 I wrote a blog about my Mother's Day experience, called "Being Back" (link not allowed on Blog for a Cure sorry) You can read it if you like, that's why I added the link. What really stands out to me in this short, honest blog are these words: "I am not afraid, mind you, just worried that I might not be appreciating things enough." Much time has passed since I scribed that entry so fresh off my diagnosis and treatments. I was raw both physically and mentally when it was written and I feel an undertone of sadness not just for what was happening to me, but for the moments in my past that I may have squandered as the result of thinking that I had "all the time in the world".  

A lot has happened since then. I experienced a surprising remission, a not so surprising recurrence, followed by this quiet time that we now hold our collective breaths to see what will happen next. In between all that I have experienced a few more Mother's Day and have gotten to enjoy my new outlook on life that the cancer experience has provided me. I have been up and down and in between and through it all I have had the immense privilege of being a mom. I think I have become a better mom because of cancer. I am definitely a more "proactive" mom. I say things that need said to my children. I want to talk about everything (just ask them) - even my death is discussed. I have given them permission to have joy in their lives even if I am not physically present. There is no "mantle of sorrow" that need be carried throughout their lives. It gives me peace to know that I have had a chance to help guide my children through an experience that I have not yet had myself, losing a parent. I know people who have lost their moms, some at a young age, and I have heard a repeating theme from them all. No matter what the situation, they all say "I wish mom was here to tell me what she thinks." Well, I am here now and I hold nothing back in telling my children what I think, how proud I am of all of them, how they need to reach for what makes them happy in this life and how they don't need to worry about me, I know where I am headed. Heck, I don't even need a map (I don't think there is a map). My path has been clear to me for a while now. I started really looking where I was going...4 Mother's Days back :)

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Janet, Annabelle sent you a hug.
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"don't worry about me, I won't be here", what my mum said, with a smile. Nineteen years on and it still helps. I miss my mum and I wish I could have her around still but she told me all that I needed to hear - that she loved me, that she was proud of me. She didn't say that she would always be with me, that she would stay in my heart but she is and has and our relationship has grown and healed and we go places for her birthday and she buys me gifts on mine. I love my mum always and forever. Your kids will love you always and forever - wherever you are. Happy Mother's Day, Michele. with love. xx
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Thank you Michele...my own mother died in an instant of a massive heart attack and I never had time to say goodbye or talk to her about life after her. In some ways your children are fortunate, not least to have such a special mother!
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Lovely post again Michele. Thanks for adding the perspective back and forward. May you have many many more Mother's Days. I look forward to your posts.
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I don't squander time anymore either. Thanks for sharing your eloquent thoughts that many share.
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Happy Mother's Day Michele : ) Janet is right your kids will love you wherever you are!
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Michele-- I hope you had a wonderful Mother's Day, especially knowing that you have raised three great kids. May you have many, many more Mother's Days to celebrate with them! Hugs!
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Vital Info

Posts

October 3, 2011

Click Here

January 31, 1963

Cancer Info

Anal Cancer

Squamous Cell Carcinoma of the anus

February 5, 2010

Stage 4

2.1 - 3.0 cm

Grade 3

No

As much as possible

Proceeds from my published blog donated monthly

It is a thief

You have to live every day of your life and stay positive :)

Donate $$ to the anal cancer foundation. Raising awareness saves lives!

Is there anything good about poison?

Bone, lung recurrence 9/20/2012

Cancer Center of Kansas, MD Anderson

Bland diet, sitz baths, take your drugs...nobody gets extra credit for suffering.

Talk, talk, talk to somebody. I chose to write.

April 20, 2010

September 20, 2010

Rectal bleeding, itching, sciatic pain. (thought my hemorhoid was acting up)

My blog has been published and proceeds go to The HPV and Anal Cancer Foundation. http://tinyurl.com/72bjjfp

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