The Only Way Out is Through

It's 5 AM. Being awake this early has nothing to do with insomnia and everything to do with needing to write. I have been, not surpressing really, but more ignoring my feelings since my last treatment. Not wanting to put the truth in black in white. Not because the truth is so terrible or frightening but because the truth is not so "pretty" I guess, for lack of a better term. So this morning I am awake and the words are pressing on me for escape. The truth is aching for release so I can liberate my mind as I step into my virtual ring for my last round of chemotherapy.

Things have been generally predictable this last go round. The first three days being managable. My sister cleverly figured out how to keep my "pipes" clean despite the unbearable constipation that is a key side effect of the drug given. I am not talking about the average "I can't go" scenerio here. I am talking about a magnitude that I had never experienced before in my life! There is nothing more compounding to the misery of queasiness, dizziness and general malaise than plugged pipes. We finally got that figured out and prevented it entirely this last round and will approach it the same manner this time as well. I am not writing this to talk about my bowels however. Discussing toilet habits, to me, is humorous, and something mothers of newborns and those of advanced age place high on their hierarchy of basic needs and even writing about it here makes me want to laugh at myself. The woes of constipation are not what awakened me this morning. This truth does not lie in the physical.

I have been experiencing a feeling of dread as I approach this last treatment. I am not afraid. After all I have been through little frightens me with the exception of great pain. I have had great pain and these treatments are nowhere close to that. I am not unhappy. I firmly believe that happiness is a choice. Some days it's easy to choose happy, others not so much but I embrace my happiness everyday, even on the ones that seem most difficult. I don't think I have a bad attitude. My fatigue can be interpreted as a bad attitude I suppose or perhaps even depression but it's just a side effect and I was already chronically tired to begin with. There has been no uncontrollable weeping or excessive sleeping here just some predictable grumpiness from time to time which I usually state openly with an "I'm grumpy." No, this dread is more like the feeling one gets during flu season only if one has truly had the flu in the past. Those folks do anything and everything to avoid the flu because they don't ever want to feel that way again. It's seems like no matter how fearless, happy and positive I am this "shard" of dread is annoying me. Lest I sound like like a whiner or ungrateful for the opportunity to defeat the beast I have pressed this feeling down and it feels like an anchor. Not really dragging me down with it but more holding me in place. 

So there it is. Today I release my dread. It's time to rise off the stool in my corner of the ring. My team is with me making sure my gloves are laced tight but the mental game is up to me. I need to get my head in the fight and not dread stepping back to the center of the ring but welcome it. I am about to deliver the knock out punch to the beast!  Yes, I am tired of this fight and wish it was already over, but one more round is required and I am up for it. I have to do this! I can do this! I will do this! The battle is almost over and the only way out is through.

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Yes, a knock out punch to the beast! I love that expression. And you have a bunch of people in your corner cheering you on. Hugs, Mari

September 2, 2013 at 4:44AM PDT by Private User

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Yes. Stop and listen...can you hear us? We are cheering and screaming..one more round..put the beast down!!!

September 2, 2013 at 4:49AM PDT by Private User

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I know that feeling of dread, thinking back to when it was time for my second round of chemo. The first round was definitely easier because I had no clue what was going to happen. However, sometimes knowing what to expect is not a good thing. But you are tougher than your opponent. I know you can do this, you WILL do this! Hugs to you, my warrior friend!

September 2, 2013 at 4:53AM PDT by Private User

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You have already conquered so much. Recognizing what you're feeling and naming it is such a powerful step towards your goal of winning the battle.

September 2, 2013 at 5:51AM PDT by Private User

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Well put....Drive fast, take chances I always say!!!See you at the other end (No pun intended)

September 2, 2013 at 6:19AM PDT by Pat C

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Michele, The anticipation of the upcoming battle is always (well almost, always) worse that the actual fight. Recognizing your feeling and confronting them (and lots of deep breathing)will help you get there, but you are the one that has to get through it. So, hang in there and know that you have lots of people behind you that are confident in your success. Always, Maya

September 2, 2013 at 7:33AM PDT by Private User

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I completely understand, my friend..from the need to write to the shard of dread (great expression). We are with you.

September 2, 2013 at 7:40AM PDT by Sharie

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You're going to tear it up, the beast stands no chance against you!! And you'll still be smiling!

September 2, 2013 at 8:09AM PDT by Unsure

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Dance like a butterfly, sting like a bee - you are a champion and will be victorious!! Praying everyday for you !

September 2, 2013 at 8:37AM PDT by Private User

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Michele, I admire your ability to pack so much into a simple phrase - 'this truth does not lie in the physical.' Your battle is in both mind and body - and I can only imagine how great the struggle is. We are all in your corner and if you remember how many cyber-friends you have as you go into this last round, perhaps that will give you the little extra to really defeat the beast, and your dread. XOXO

September 2, 2013 at 8:47AM PDT by Private User

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Michele- This is your battle yes, but you are not alone. Please picture everyone on here and all your loved ones standing behind you "in the ring" lifting you up mentally, holding you up physically, doing whatever we can til you are named the Champ! You, one glove in the air, cancer TKO! Love, Linda

September 2, 2013 at 9:58AM PDT by Private User

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You're already doing "it", Michelle. You are put together so well, so strong, so talented. I learn something from you with every writing. And, hallelujah to working out the "pipes" problem...That can't be understated. (Old people, mothers and anal cancer patients...We all own the domain of too much talk about pooping.)

September 2, 2013 at 1:47PM PDT by Private User

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So pleased to hear from you. You are the biggest, bestest fighter we all know. This last round may be tough but you will come out fighting and at the ringside we are all shouting and cheering - we know you will win again. Try & clear your mind and GO for it Take care Annabelle PS Sorry but my last blog was all about BMs & I hope I'm not too old!!!!

September 8, 2013 at 5:19AM PDT by Private User

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Sending positive thoughts & hugs your way!

September 17, 2013 at 5:17PM PDT by Private User

" . . the only way out is through." Absolutely true. (I've read your newest news about the PET/RAD . . so am so happy for you! Glad doors have opened to help with the stay in Houston. :) Blessings

September 23, 2013 at 9:02AM PDT by Carol

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