I Just Didn't See It Before

Last Friday I had an idea. It's one of those kind of ideas that won't leave your brain. It won't leave me alone and, no, I am not going to tell about here and now. It's still developing in my head. It's not ready yet but has produced a swirl of epiphanies in my gray matter the least of which is not the reaffirmation that I am committed to avoid needlessly dying of stage 4 cancer and therefore am compelled to act and not just needlessly live. I am full aware that I live in grace no matter what comes and I plan to embrace that until my time on earth is over. I have stepped outside myself and my circumstance to focus on others. Life is not about what I can get out of it but what I give to it. It's where peace, happiness, hope and joy lie. It goes beyond faith, attitude and medicine. It goes beyond my perceived "blessings", for which I am truly grateful, but can be fleeting. I need to surround myself with people who will keep me grounded and inspire me to live fully in grace and liberate what is required of me in this life to leave behind. It goes beyond any goal that I might limit myself with. Goals are fantastic to have but if you really think about them they place a cap on achievement. They mark something as finished. Life, to me, should not be limited for achievement. Goals, for me, have become more like oddly, sometimes disorderly mile markers of a sort. Mile markers are designed to designate distance which can be converted to time and my road is littered with them at various strange sometimes even whimsical spacing (those are the fun parts) with absolutely no attention paid to exact spacing, symmetry or the essential Fen Shue described in the many life "guidebooks" available for reference. 

I have thrown the guidebooks down. No, actually, they were collected from me on a cold February morning quietly in a small hospital room while my husband held my hand.  For a minute I was terrified. I didn't know the way. How can you go someplace if you don't know the way? "You don't need to know the way." felt like a lie in that moment. It's not really a lie but more like a myth that was unceremoniously debunked. I had drawn my own life map, as many do, with places I wanted to go, things I wanted do, and people I wanted to see, with "goals", and mile markers placed along the routes I had drawn out. The map was no longer valid. The thing is the map was never really valid anyway. It was a comfort to make and to hold and to look at and to try to follow. Looking back, I realize that sometimes I even got stuck on the map along some self appointed place to be, working on a mile marker making sure it was just right before moving on. One can get so caught up in looking at the map that life is rolling right past you. Your map becomes the guide, the rules, the way, a constraint on this life we are granted. Well I don't have a map anymore. That doesn't mean that there are not things I'd like to accomplish and goals I'd like to meet. It means I have been stripped of the self imposed limits. Do you see? It's hard to explain. Life needs to be unlimited. I have been struggling to control my destiny my whole life. Self constrained. I have stopped drawing the map and now move along it placing those crazy mile markers all askew and in random locations. I know what I am doing and what I want to achieve but where along the route? Not so much. I have developed an urgency to live in these past four years, live every moment I am given and not place a limit on what I can give and do along the way. Life is unlimited. It has been all along. I just didn't see it before.

5 people like this post.
Danean threw a punch at your cancer.
Danean, Danean sent you a prayer.
3 people sent you a hug.
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That's wonderful Michele you have come so far in self discovery... and a great way to celebrate your birthday year beginnings:)Fantastic! hugs and love and prayers Sabina:)
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It's funny how cancer makes you re-evaluate your life and your journey. It has instantly made me understand that it's not the journey we choose to take as that journey was set for us long before cancer but, that it's how we accept the journey and where we let it take us. Thank you for your inspiring words. My prayers to you. Glo
Michele likes this comment
I like the freedom you have found.
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Terrific!
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Just wonderful, my friend! I hope you are having a great birthday today and I wish you many, many more! Hugs!
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Michele, I am just back from "out of internet reach," and will only send you a hug . . now and every minute forward. XOXO
Michele likes this comment
Thanks again for another wonderful post. Couldn't have come at a better time for me. All my best to you!
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Great post, Michelle. You are an inspiration to me and I'm sure anyone who comes in contact with you.
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Vital Info

Posts

October 3, 2011

Click Here

January 31, 1963

Cancer Info

Anal Cancer

Squamous Cell Carcinoma of the anus

February 5, 2010

Stage 4

2.1 - 3.0 cm

Grade 3

No

As much as possible

Proceeds from my published blog donated monthly

It is a thief

You have to live every day of your life and stay positive :)

Donate $$ to the anal cancer foundation. Raising awareness saves lives!

Is there anything good about poison?

Bone, lung recurrence 9/20/2012

Cancer Center of Kansas, MD Anderson

Bland diet, sitz baths, take your drugs...nobody gets extra credit for suffering.

Talk, talk, talk to somebody. I chose to write.

April 20, 2010

September 20, 2010

Rectal bleeding, itching, sciatic pain. (thought my hemorhoid was acting up)

My blog has been published and proceeds go to The HPV and Anal Cancer Foundation. http://tinyurl.com/72bjjfp

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