Past Tense

It is rare and surprising to me when I meet someone like myself. Let me explain what I mean. I am not referring to when I meet someone that shares my interests, values and the like. That number of people is sizable for us all. I am talking more about the nitty gritty, "Soul Sister" material here. Over the last four years, I have met a handful of these people and I consider them my "virtual" sorority of sorts. There are few people in a lifetime that ones very soul is bared to. Even closest friends can sit just outside the inner circle of your "very truth" you not letting them all the way in and maybe not even knowing why. You just can't, so you don't and that's that. Last week I met someone like myself, a "soul sister". Someone who gained entrance into my "very truth" within a few minutes of speaking with her. I don't know if I am in hers, I think I am, but it doesn't matter because this is not about reciprocity but connection. When you are all the way open to the core of your soul you think and speak freely. Thoughts flow into your mind and you express them without there being a social tether or fear of offending. 

Well, I was chatting on the phone with above mentioned soul sister and we were talking about being alive right now, not just meerly surviving or existing or suffering. While surviving, existing and suffering are a reality for each of us on any given day we were talking beyond that, because even in those moments joy and peace and love can be found and should be treasured as the memory made of that day. Then this thought came to my mind and I spoke it aloud, safe with my soul sister, who would not judge but understand it. "I don't want to ever be past tense.' I said. She immediately latched on to the thought as well and we talked on about what that means in life.

To me it means my life will always be a force in my families and loved ones lives whether I am physically present or not. I don't want to be past tense. This is not about dying. This is about living. Living every moment, even the tough ones, expressing who you are. What I am talking about is revealing myself, my light, everyday in all circumstances. I may never get the opportunity to see one of my children start a family, my husband turn double nickles, my 30th wedding anniversary, or any of those milestone life events. It doesn't mean I can't exist there in those moments that will come with or without me, alive or dead. Do you see? This is my choice every day. Not just living and enjoying every moment but creating a lasting piece of time. These pieces of time are not for me but for everyone I love and care about and for anybody else for that matter,so that as time marches on, which it does without a care for me or my "expiration date" (or yours either), it is irrelevant to my existence. 

I am a lot of things...a wife, a mother, and friend. I am talkative, sensitive (I can cry over an ad in the paper), afraid of needles, outgoing, overbearing, happy, Polly Anna in all situations (annoying, right?) I sometimes play the martyr (or so I'm accused), I am loud and often stick my foot in my mouth and don't know until later, I am loving and struggle to maintain peace in my household even when there is unavoidable conflict. I am a nurse, sales person and love my work. I am a lot of things but there is one thing I will never be....past tense.<strike></strike><strike></strike>

Annabelle sent you a hug.
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Your presence is so large, it can never be past tense Michele. Your undeniable presence will live on in your family, friends, and colleagues. In the inevitable circle of life this same people that will carry your presence in your absence, will eventually join you again, and things will continue through eternity. I don't know how you judge your circle, but I feel very connected to things you have to say. I value the positive insights, optimism, and inspiration. You are good people Michele, and you touch many people.
Patrice58, Michele like this comment
For me you will never be past tense. You came into my life when I was feeling very vulnerable. Even though I had so much love and support at home no one ever has understood what I was and am still going through emotionally because I have been the strong one for every body and carried on from day one as "normal" so no one would be affected. You know the reality of it all as does every one on this site but your fortitude and insight into all has been such a support and strength for me. I will never forget it or you & will always be grateful Hugs Annabelle
Michele likes this comment
Dearest Michele - I'll copy here something I wrote a year ago - which applies so much to you. You won't be past tense until everyone who remembers you is gone, and that is so far in the future it will never happen! " I read a novel by Javier Cercas while traveling just now (in Spanish, trying to keep my brain going!), titled "Soldados de Salamina." Part of the narrative was focused on the theme of remembering the dead. This is what I found very powerful,in a rough translation: "I thought how, though he had died more than six years ago, my father was still not really dead, because someone yet remembered him. Then I thought that perhaps it was not me remembering him, but rather that my father had attached himself to my memory so that he would not completely die." And this is what we do for those we loved here who are gone, and others who will leave - remember them, help them stay here with us. XOXOXO
Michele likes this comment
I get it! Such a great post, my friend! Hugs!
Michele likes this comment
This really resonates with me. The other day I wrote a caring bridge journal about imagining myself invisible as my family went about their daily routine. I guess I was looking for some peace that my family would be okay if I pass. I have 2 little girls, so I want to know that things will be okay. But it does bring about much sadness that I won't be apart of it. Your post helped me realize that yes I will be a part of it just like my mom is a part of our lives even though she passed a year and a half ago. I know my husband will continue to let the girls know how I felt about all things they may wonder about in life. And I'm sure my brother and sisters will tell them stories about me. I tell them when they ask about whether or not I will die that no matter what I am in their hearts. They can always look to their hearts when they need me. Until then....we keep making memories that are stored in their brains but also exist deep in their hearts! Thanks Michele
Shara, You are so welcome. Your story moves me... Michele
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Vital Info


October 3, 2011

Click Here

January 31, 1963

Cancer Info

Anal Cancer

Squamous Cell Carcinoma of the anus

February 5, 2010

Stage 4

2.1 - 3.0 cm

Grade 3


As much as possible

Proceeds from my published blog donated monthly

It is a thief

You have to live every day of your life and stay positive :)

Donate $$ to the anal cancer foundation. Raising awareness saves lives!

Is there anything good about poison?

Bone, lung recurrence 9/20/2012

Cancer Center of Kansas, MD Anderson

Bland diet, sitz baths, take your drugs...nobody gets extra credit for suffering.

Talk, talk, talk to somebody. I chose to write.

April 20, 2010

September 20, 2010

Rectal bleeding, itching, sciatic pain. (thought my hemorhoid was acting up)

My blog has been published and proceeds go to The HPV and Anal Cancer Foundation.


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