I am Alive!
I have gotten much more philosophical about life and my stage 4 anal cancer over the last four years. I’ve really noticed it even more so over the last 6 months. I was running errands one morning and listening to Kelly Clarkson belt out “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!” and I considered it a false statement. Cancer hasn’t killed me (yet) but I think I was already strong and just didn’t know it until it was asked of me. Cancer didn’t develop the fight that is within me. It was there all along waiting to be summand when whatever event or need called for it. I had to dig deep, but it was all there. Every ounce of strength and courage that was required of me. It was not “made” it was called for. I think the wording for the song should be “What doesn’t kill you makes you feel alive!” Cancer has definitely done that. I mean I was alive before cancer and I knew how to do it…this being alive thing, or so I thought.
After the Big C is announced to you there are many roads that appear for you to take. There is “Why Me Highway” Some people hop on that road. There is “Fear Parking Lot” as others are paralyzed by their diagnosis. There is “I Give Up” It’s a dead end. There is the “Stand and Fight Audubon” That’s the road I chose. There are other roads. Those mentioned just happened to be the ones that I noticed immediately as my options. Let me be clear, I do not judge any one that chooses other roads. We are all in a different place and circumstance in our lives. We do what we must or simply what we can, but choose we must and choose we do.
You know I never felt like I was dying from cancer….ever. Now, there were times during the height of suffering in my treatments that I wanted to die and even asked about it. But if thought entered my mind “You are dying Michele.” I would always answer myself “But I don’t feel like I am dying. I feel alive.” There is nothing like intense pain to remind you that you are very much alive.
Back to my philosophical experience with Kelly C in my car, cancer may be killing me but I feel alive. Why is this? I think it is because I have discovered that giving back all that I can to this life is important. Having and being sure of my purpose is vital to my state of being. Volunteering, helping others, my writing, donating time and funds to the foundations that will be a force in changing the care for my cancer and countless other rare ones, spending time with my loved ones doing the simple things, coffee with friends, simply enjoying the sunshine and fresh air, watching snow fall, I could go on and on. I am not a bystander in life anymore. I know cancer is supposed to make me feel like I am dying, but it doesn't. Now more than ever I know that I am alive!
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You have written here exactly how I am sure so many of us feel, and very eloquently.
My road felt like Dorothy's - first the tornado. Then lost. Then the yellow brick road, sending me on that journey that only those with the Big C can experience. We just keep on going, it's a magic trip!
Thanks for sharing the scenery "out the window" as you journey. It's a beautiful view! Bless~
i think. I learned how to finally think! Were not dying, the cancer is dying either way. When we get past the scare we become aggressive fighters stronger and more determined then the stronger fear-est fighter conceivable.
I fully understand how you feel. Were all Family here. Hang in there my sister.
Ed