I am Alive!

I have gotten much more philosophical about life and my stage 4 anal cancer over the last four years. I’ve really noticed it even more so over the last 6 months. I was running errands one morning and listening to Kelly Clarkson belt out “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!” and I considered it a false statement. Cancer hasn’t killed me (yet) but I think I was already strong and just didn’t know it until it was asked of me. Cancer didn’t develop the fight that is within me. It was there all along waiting to be summand when whatever event or need called for it. I had to dig deep, but it was all there. Every ounce of strength and courage that was required of me. It was not “made” it was called for. I think the wording for the song should be “What doesn’t kill you makes you feel alive!” Cancer has definitely done that. I mean I was alive before cancer and I knew how to do it…this being alive thing, or so I thought.

After the Big C is announced to you there are many roads that appear for you to take. There is “Why Me Highway” Some people hop on that road. There is “Fear Parking Lot” as others are paralyzed by their diagnosis. There is “I Give Up” It’s a dead end. There is the “Stand and Fight Audubon” That’s the road I chose. There are other roads. Those mentioned just happened to be the ones that I noticed immediately as my options. Let me be clear, I do not judge any one that chooses other roads. We are all in a different place and circumstance in our lives. We do what we must or simply what we can, but choose we must and choose we do.

You know I never felt like I was dying from cancer….ever. Now, there were times during the height of suffering in my treatments that I wanted to die and even asked about it. But if thought entered my mind “You are dying Michele.” I would always answer myself “But I don’t feel like I am dying. I feel alive.” There is nothing like intense pain to remind you that you are very much alive.

Back to my philosophical experience with Kelly C in my car, cancer may be killing me but I feel alive. Why is this? I think it is because I have discovered that giving back all that I can to this life is important. Having and being sure of my purpose is vital to my state of being. Volunteering, helping others, my writing, donating time and funds to the foundations that will be a force in changing the care for my cancer and countless other rare ones, spending time with my loved ones doing the simple things, coffee with friends, simply enjoying the sunshine and fresh air, watching snow fall, I could go on and on. I am not a bystander in life anymore. I know cancer is supposed to make me feel like I am dying, but it doesn't. Now more than ever I know that I am alive!

Annabelle, Cathy threw a punch at your cancer.
Sabina, Stacy sent you a prayer.
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Michele
i think. I learned how to finally think! Were not dying, the cancer is dying either way. When we get past the scare we become aggressive fighters stronger and more determined then the stronger fear-est fighter conceivable.
I fully understand how you feel. Were all Family here. Hang in there my sister.
Ed
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Absolutely beautifully written Michele! You have the unique talent of being able to 'paint a picture' with your words. Please keep writing.
You have written here exactly how I am sure so many of us feel, and very eloquently.
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You are amazing!! XOXO
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I was never afraid of my cancer either...My attitude was to put on Red Dancing shoes and dance to the song cancer sang to me...I was able to out step cantankerous cancer and beat the crap out of it by keeping journal...now I am putting that into book form...don't know why I waited so late to do that since I am a 16 yr survivor...some of my journal I have shared at the time I was going through the ordeal of cancer...No matter what road you take...I think somewhere along the way you will find the sign that says...Courage My Friend you are going to make it!!
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Your posts are so inspiring and great at putting things in perspective. I really miss Randy, as his were the same way. So that means you have to stay alive!!
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I was thinking the same , it reminded me of Randy .. Marian
Love this post too... hugs and love and always prayers Sabina
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I love it Michelle! Great blog as always and that is just how I feel too. I love the "roads' analogy. Keep on trucking!
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How beautifully written and poignant this is, you have such a gift. Thank you for sharing.
My road felt like Dorothy's - first the tornado. Then lost. Then the yellow brick road, sending me on that journey that only those with the Big C can experience. We just keep on going, it's a magic trip!
Thanks for sharing the scenery "out the window" as you journey. It's a beautiful view! Bless~
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Brilliant!
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You are doing great and your posts are always filled with positive messages and also are very thought-provoking, thank you! I still love that song by Kelly C though lol! That song and Firework by Katy Perry make me burst into tears (but in a good way) these days.
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Beautiful as always Michelle. Thanks for inspiring us.
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Vital Info

Posts

October 3, 2011

Click Here

January 31, 1963

Cancer Info

Anal Cancer

Squamous Cell Carcinoma of the anus

February 5, 2010

Stage 4

2.1 - 3.0 cm

Grade 3

No

As much as possible

Proceeds from my published blog donated monthly

It is a thief

You have to live every day of your life and stay positive :)

Donate $$ to the anal cancer foundation. Raising awareness saves lives!

Is there anything good about poison?

Bone, lung recurrence 9/20/2012

Cancer Center of Kansas, MD Anderson

Bland diet, sitz baths, take your drugs...nobody gets extra credit for suffering.

Talk, talk, talk to somebody. I chose to write.

April 20, 2010

September 20, 2010

Rectal bleeding, itching, sciatic pain. (thought my hemorhoid was acting up)

My blog has been published and proceeds go to The HPV and Anal Cancer Foundation. http://tinyurl.com/72bjjfp

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