A Mountain Out of a Molehill

I am six days away from my PET scan, tests and doctors appointments. This is generally the time period over the last almost five years that scanxiety starts to build in me and in my family and friends. It usually rears it's ugly head about a week out in the form of short tempers, squabbling, and yes, even some tears. In retrospect I even distance myself emotionally from my friends. It's unconscious on my part but I suppose it is a coping mechanism as bad news may be coming and to deliver that news a more vast emotional space is helpful. 

This time things are noticeably different. My worry is definitely starting to hum in the background but strangely it is remaining there...in the background. No need to walk on eggshells (What does that mean anyway?) around me. All I can really think about are the wonderful things happening around me right now. The KC Royals are in the World Series! Did you hear that? The. World. Series. Kansas State is tearing up the football field and the Chiefs are getting it done as well. My husband and I have slipped into an easy camaraderie the last few weeks. Besides sharing the same cold, we have shared lazy afternoons watching movies and fun talks about what our retirement might look like and maybe downsizing our home. The time I spend talking with my children increases right before scan time. They call me more often looking for reassurance which I dole out like candy. We all know the truth and we will do the best we can do every step of the way. I find myself switching subjects more quickly squeezing out of them any details I can about what is happening in their lives. The sounds of their voices telling of their lives drowns out the slight hum of concern in the background of my life. I am just their mom. It's how I want to be known to them always. Not worried mom or sad mom or poignant mom or bitter mom or, heaven forbid, scared mom. Just mom. Sage and wise and loving and dependable. It feels so good. 

Maybe that's the difference. It feels good to be just me so I am standing on that. It's not denial and I am definitely not pretending everything is okay. I am existing in all that is good in my life and that, my readers, is a tremendous amount of things. Cancer is a tiny dot compared to all that is good and I, for now, while I can, am going to keep it that way. No need to make it anymore than it is because it could overshadow all that is good and hide it from me. All the good things in my life are like a giant mountain and cancer, well it's...well it's...let's just say there is no use making a mountain out of a molehill.

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Know exactly what you mean... I just want to be mom!
💜Sara
Michele, Margaret like this comment
I can always count on you to shine a light on what it means to not let cancer define you :)
Michele likes this comment
Another wonderful post from you Michele! Enjoy watching the Royals!!
Michele likes this comment
I like everything about your post...except....I live 15 miles from Baltimore, Orioles country definitely. And we all know what Baltimore thinks about Kansas City. Although, I admit, they are a good team.
Michele likes this comment
Nobody's perfect...right?
All the best to you Michele, with your up coming Petscan. I know the feeling! My prayers are with you and I expect all the best!..Let us know when you get the good news!
Michele likes this comment
Will be holding my breath for you for the next six days. Waiting for the big sigh of relief when it is all done. Hugs to you. Annabelle
Michele likes this comment
What a release of worry! My husband always says, "why spend time worrying about what you don't even know." Easier said than done sometimes. I have a colonoscopy coming up and have not been very nice the past couple of days. Thanks for reminding me that I don't want to waste time worrying when I could be making happy memories!
Michele, Janet like this comment
It's good to be Mom:)... I love your post as always my friend hugs and love and always prayers Sabina
Michele likes this comment
Michelle,
I think you should just focus on your Royals right now and let the games keep you from experiencing scanxiety. Here, in SF, we are of course very excited about our Giants making it the World Series given the last half of their season. On the other hand, my husband is from KC (both parents, brother, and sister went to KU) so we are even more excited about their World Series experience. I remember watching them win their last world series when we were in college, so secretly I'm hoping they win this one! Getting ready for Game 1.
Enjoy the now - baseball, your kids, and life.
Michele likes this comment
Thinking of you and hoping the best with your pet scan. Go KC Royals!
Michele likes this comment
Dear Michele, God bless you as you go through this again and may you focus on all those good things in your life. Keep being "Mom" to your kids and cheer on those Royals! I am sending you positive thoughts and prayers. lots of hugs, and much love!

Martha
Michele likes this comment
I love your posts. The way you write is simply beautiful. Thank you for sharing your journey. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Michele likes this comment
I love this post. So uplifting. I will try and remember this in march when I have my next scan Thank you for sharing.
Michele likes this comment
Positive vibes coming your way. I struggle daily with trying to have a positive mental outlook. It's so hard.
Michele likes this comment
And what a great mon, wife and woman you are at this moment. It's so easy to espouse that this moment is all we have, but it's harder to live and easier to keep looking ahead, practicing what could go wrong, mountain-making. You clearly are getting some moments of being fully present and not looking ahead. But when you hear that "hum"' just breathe and rejoice with the wondrous purpose of your life. And, voila, you're back. You will face whatever is ahead and with total grace. Of that, I'm sure.
Michele likes this comment
I'm just hoping and praying for a good report from that scan.

Hugs,
Mari
Michele likes this comment
Sending you good vibes! I share your feelings:)
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Vital Info

Posts

October 3, 2011

Click Here

January 31, 1963

Cancer Info

Anal Cancer

Squamous Cell Carcinoma of the anus

February 5, 2010

Stage 4

2.1 - 3.0 cm

Grade 3

No

As much as possible

Proceeds from my published blog donated monthly

It is a thief

You have to live every day of your life and stay positive :)

Donate $$ to the anal cancer foundation. Raising awareness saves lives!

Is there anything good about poison?

Bone, lung recurrence 9/20/2012

Cancer Center of Kansas, MD Anderson

Bland diet, sitz baths, take your drugs...nobody gets extra credit for suffering.

Talk, talk, talk to somebody. I chose to write.

April 20, 2010

September 20, 2010

Rectal bleeding, itching, sciatic pain. (thought my hemorhoid was acting up)

My blog has been published and proceeds go to The HPV and Anal Cancer Foundation. http://tinyurl.com/72bjjfp

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