I Have Already Won

Many people have wondered these days what is up with me. Feelings generally flow freely from my fingers as I make life observations from my disease altered perspective. As my five year cancerversary approaches I have found myself feeling somewhat "flat" about this milestone. I don't know how this can possibly be considered "a normal" reaction. This should be a welcomed event of epic proportion, right? I mean, I have basically defied incredible odds in face of a practically insurmountable challenge. Nothing says "I've earned bragging rights!" like surviving stage IV cancer.

I honestly don't feel like I have done anything special. These feelings came into focus when I was entering to win Ellen's 12 Days of Give Aways for what has to be at least the dozenth time this month. You know, her 12 shows that lead up to Christmas that contain awesome and incredible prizes that each of the members of the studio audience receive. They don't have to do anything extra, or special except be lucky enough to get the tickets and show up. There were some great prizes this year that included a 55 inch television, a $2000 mattress, a trip to Hawaii and too many $500 gift cards to count! I played along almost every day because I watch Ellen pretty regularly. I like her...you might even say I adore her! She is a giving, caring person. I suppose she could be "not nice" like some celebrities are reputed to be but I don't think that is the case with Ellen. She seems very genuine to me and I believe she is. Like I said, I have been watching, entering and re-entering, downloading, having my iPhone set with the "listening" Ellen App all with the hope of being selected as one of the lucky viewers to win any, if not potentially, ALL of the prizes so freely given. 

As I filled out the entry for the "last chance" to win all the prizes I found myself stumped when it asked me to describe (in 1800 characters or less) why I deserved to win. At first, my fingers flew across the keys, dropping word bombs like "stage IV cancer" and "bucket list". After about 1000 characters I froze. The "cancer card" is an impact play for sure, but cancer doesn't entitle me to win anything. Lot's of people have cancer worse than me and deserve to be selected. I mean, really, did I DO anything? I lived when I should have died. That's really no award winner. What was I writing? Using my cancer survival seemed weird as a reason of entitlement here. I really struggled with the verbiage of the request: "Tell Ellen why you deserve to win!" Even if I had done something that Mother Theresa herself would have deemed to be nothing short of holy how could I twist it in to being a reason that I "deserved" anything. It would be easier for me to nominate someone and tell why they definitely earned a shot at the prizes, but that's not what they were asking. How could I even begin to select one person that I felt would be deserving anyhow? There are so many people that have cared for me and gone above and beyond the call since my diagnosis I wouldn't know where to begin. That's not really accurate. I wouldn't know where to even stop listing the deserving people in my life because there are so many. I finally typed a few words about watching everyday and how uplifting Ellen is to me that, I am sure, will gain no special attention from any producer and my submission will be passed over like the millions of other entries filled out. Nothing noteworthy to tell. Prize winning is not a valid reason for playing the "cancer card" anyway. It feels sacrilegious on so many levels.

You may be wondering what's the point of me even blogging about this. I guess it's about me being "deserving" of anything. There are so many people that are struggling, either having financial troubles, maybe they can't feed their families, pay their gas bills or see a doctor for much needed medical care. Taking a Hawaiian vacation wouldn't even be on their radar. I, on the other hand, have a home and a job. I get by pretty comfortably. In spite of my astronomical medical bills, I am decently insured and am able to manage them. I have a warm bed to lie down in each night, food in my fridge and my belly. I have a little money to go on a get away every now and then. I have the love of a wonderful family and friends. It's all more than I deserve. As a matter of fact, I will never be able to give back enough for all that I have been afforded. I have been given so much. I know now why I was having a hard time expressing why I deserve to win anything. I realize I have already won!

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You are definitely a winner Michele! I hope you win on Ellen I can't think of a better person to win than you! Another most excellent post~! from my heart to yours hugs and love and always prayers Sabina
3 people like this comment
I so love your writing, your life stories and most importantly your fantastic attitude. You most certainly are a winner in every way. Warm wishes for 2015.
Michele likes this comment
HUGS Michele, and thanks for posting again!! You are a magnificent writer.

Stay well!!!
Michele likes this comment
Well played, Madam.
Michele likes this comment
You always string words together so beautifully to create a wonderful narrative. Hugs and prayers for you for many, many Happy New Years ahead.

Michele likes this comment
Michelle, another beautiful post, and even more so, a beautiful truth for us all everyday we take another breath: We've won. Thanks for reminding me of what not to take for granted. xooxoxoxxo
Michele likes this comment
We are all winners to have the opportunity to know you through your wonderful writings and insite.

Michele likes this comment
Beautifully said Michele!!
Michele likes this comment
I hope you realize how many people that need hope have been touched by your writings and encouraged to keep on fighting. Yes you are a winner and happy New Year to you!
Michele likes this comment
You are a winner and my inspiration ! Your words are beautiful and I read them over and over! You are a very special beautiful person with a HUGE heart! Love and hugs xo😘😘😘😘
Michele likes this comment
Michelle, very eloquently spoken/written; you and Jennifer are both 'award-winning' writers in being able to express yourselves.
You "get it" - the big picture in the scheme of things. You are a 'winner' - thanks for sharing with us.
Michele likes this comment
Amen, Michele. You have won, but I secretly wish you would win on Ellen, too. Have a wonderful, happy, healthy and blessed 2015!
Michele likes this comment
HAPPY NEW YEAR Hugs Annabelle
Michele likes this comment
You have learned, and shared here with us, what is truly important. :-)
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Vital Info


October 3, 2011

Click Here

January 31, 1963

Cancer Info

Anal Cancer

Squamous Cell Carcinoma of the anus

February 5, 2010

Stage 4

2.1 - 3.0 cm

Grade 3


As much as possible

Proceeds from my published blog donated monthly

It is a thief

You have to live every day of your life and stay positive :)

Donate $$ to the anal cancer foundation. Raising awareness saves lives!

Is there anything good about poison?

Bone, lung recurrence 9/20/2012

Cancer Center of Kansas, MD Anderson

Bland diet, sitz baths, take your drugs...nobody gets extra credit for suffering.

Talk, talk, talk to somebody. I chose to write.

April 20, 2010

September 20, 2010

Rectal bleeding, itching, sciatic pain. (thought my hemorhoid was acting up)

My blog has been published and proceeds go to The HPV and Anal Cancer Foundation. http://tinyurl.com/72bjjfp


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