All The Wrong Things
I have done plenty of reading over the last few years surrounding what not to say to someone who has received a stage IV cancer diagnosis. I have found, via such articles, that the list can be quite extensive taking into consideration all the different types of cancers and personalities that exist in our world today. The top offending comments that seem to appear over and again in these writings include, but are not limited to: "You can beat this!", "Everything will okay!", "If you pray and believe enough God will heal you!", "Hemp oil (coffee enemas, special diets ~ insert the alternative treatment of your choice) can cure you!"
Trust me when I say this, I have heard it all. I, however, have rarely felt offended when people offer up these comments and advice. I always figured they are just wishing the best for me, are not really sure what to say, so they speak spontaneously from their hearts. I just try not to overanalyze any advice and words offered to me. Think about it. Someone discovers I have cancer, it's stage IV and it's anal cancer on top of that. Let's face it, it's a real stunner. Because I feel there is no harm intended I generally say thank you and somehow often end up comforting them about my diagnosis. Weird, right? But I often don't even know what to say back to them, especially the hemp oil alternative treatment thing, so I have been known to, you could say, nurture the awkward words of encouragement spoken to me. I know of other cancer victims that actually speak out when then are offended by what they perceive as thoughtless comments and "correct" their well wishers. I think that in it self is thoughtless and even cruel. For example, even if you don't believe in God...where is the malicious motivation in telling anyone that God can heal you. I believe in God and I believe he can heal me. I don't believe that that is based on my amount of prayer and my level of faith. I mean, if my cancer returns I won't blame God or my lack of sufficient faith. But I am not on a mission to slap down a well wishers words with a chastising rebuttal to their statements. Those articles I have read make me uncomfortable. When I see someone lashing back on social media to a well wisher offering comfort it makes me angry. I think "Wow. They just said something from a place of helplessness and that's what they get back. A public spanking?"
Actually, I know what it feels like to not know what to say. That awkward moment when you realize that you are helpless when someone tells you awful news about themselves or a loved one. It happened to me just recently. A dear friend's mother, stricken suddenly with symptoms and then an ominous tumor discovered with testing. When she told me I embraced her in a big hug and said what was in my heart....all the wrong things.