I Think I Will Stay

I made a mistake. Everybody makes mistakes but this one was pretty enormous as far as mistakes go. Nobody is perfect, to err is human and all that rhetoric certainly applies to me along with all of mankind. This one is clearly disturbing to me because I am writing it down. I suppose I could go along with my life never revealing this to anyone but things that niggle at my brain beg to be inscribed on this, oh so public, forum. I stopped wondering why I write the things I do and just succumb to the urge. After hearing the story I am about to tell you may think I am searching for atonement perhaps. Ah, this is not the case. At least this time.

I have been participating in a little project with a writer for a medical website on the subject of fear of cancer recurrence. I was introduced to her through an act of fate via somebody I met on Twitter that shares my same interests in promoting the use of social media to health care professionals. We have been corresponding the last week or so through e-mail and she sent me a list of interview questions that she wanted me to answer. The queries were well thought out and really got to the heart of the subject of my fears. I actually took a few days to think about the answers I would provide and then set aside a couple of hours one afternoon to answer them.

The first question was about my cancer history. Although the answer could have been a 5 volume series I managed to keep it down to about five or six sentences. After all, this piece is about fear not about my recent, tragic life history. Once I got rolling on the questions specifically about fear I was immersed in the task at hand. After everything I have been through the answers truly reside within my soul and it doesn’t take much to coax them to the surface. Lucky for me I have written, and continue to, about my fears on this very blog. I sited a dozen or so passages for her to read so she could really get a feel for the angst and trepidation that can ensconce my very being. There were questions about how it’s changed, how I manage, and advice that I might give to a “newbie” to the malady. I was quite pleased with all my responses and even felt “purged” as I often do after writing about my experiences. I pushed that send button feeling quite accomplished with a confident “How’s that?” as my closing. I closed my computer and went about my day without a second thought about it. It was a great evening as the weekend was upon us and we went to bed a little later than usual (10:00 haha).

My eyes popped open at 2:00 AM. I immediately knew why I was awake. That e-mail. That question. The one I answered about managing my fear. Oh the answer was fine and nice. You know, giving back by volunteering, support group, exercising, staying busy. And all of that is true but I had left out something big and it felt unforgivable in this moment. I had left out God. This realization left a pitt in my stomach. How could I omit God? The thought of my relationship with Christ never even entered my mind as I searched my soul regarding the subject of fear. What?! How could this have happened? The mantle of guilt hung heavy upon me. This, of course, could be easily remedied with a follow up e-mail. No harm. No foul. Right?! No one needed to know. Except I knew. The person I am collaborating with? She will know. God knows. I prayed for forgiveness but this troubled me still and I slept fitfully. Finally at 7:00 I could fight it off no longer and got up to write an e-mail to correct my omission. All I could think as I started to write is “I suck.” 

You know, over the last five years I have been described as an inspiration. A “shining example” of God’s grace and mercy. A pillar of faith and trust in his abounding love. And here I had blown it! My chance to let His light shine had been an after thought. Then I began to type. This is what I wrote: 

“In the middle of the night I was awakened with thoughts of this e-mail and realized that I had left out one vital coping mechanism that I have used to manage my fear…my FAITH. I wondered long and hard as to why I had left this critical piece of my life out of this e-mail. I chastised myself for omitting God and then I realized something, my fear and God do not exist in the same dimension. When I trust in Him I am not afraid. My faith is a critical part of my life. The two things I wanted from my day of diagnosis are simple 1. To be treated with dignity and respect and 2. That God’s light would shine through me. I think I would place this under my management of fear. I mention my faith and prayer throughout my blog entries concerning my fear, often at the end when I feel at peace with my fearful feelings.”

So there it is, my mistake actually became a realization. A pure understanding of God’s promise that when He is near and I trust in Him I need not be afraid. If God is for me, who can be against me? His light erases any trace of darkness and that’s where my fear resides. When fear creeps into my world, as it has done often over the last five years, I fail when I try to push it away. You see it is not fear that has come to me but I have gone to it by stepping into it’s darkness. When I reach for God I step back into the light. It feels good here. I think I will stay. 

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No one who knows you would have any difficulty seeing how your faith has held you up Michele :)
Michele likes this comment
Thank you for the kind words Carmen....hugs to you!
Michele
Carmen likes this comment
Michele,
I see that in all that you offer in your writings lives and breaths all that you believe. It's all there, you are so special, and an inspiration!
xoxo
Jean
Michele likes this comment
BEAUTIFUL! And God knew you didn't leave him out on purpose...he knows he plays a huge part in your life and always will! Love hugs and prayers! Xo 😘😘😘😘
Michele likes this comment
Michelle, that is written beautifully. I think with you, your faith is such a given that it is not an omission. You have completely put your trust in God's hands and your faith is constant.
Sara, Michele like this comment
Isn't it wonderful to know who'so in charge? (&it ain't us!) You rock!!
Michele likes this comment
You rock! And you have the Rock! Bless you. Cherie
Michele likes this comment
Who but a Father like ours knows us through and through.. You are so right about when we let go and let God there is no fear and complete submission knowing that all is well in His hands .. When I go to church , mostly I just cry.. so overwhelmed with the word of God . It just touches my heart to my soul and I cry... It's so good to share here and find people like you , that love God with all their heart.. it really touches my heart and makes me cry.. and feels good I am not alone and I have a sister like you in this world...God bless you my friend hugs and love and always prayers Sabina
Michele, Patrice58 like this comment
Thank you for reflecting back in truth and sharing with us your faith! It is uplifting to know there is a wonderful God that cares for all of us through the good and the bad in life.
Michele likes this comment
You are an amazing woman of Faith. So glad I have been fortunate to have you as a friend here. You add a lot to this wonderful group. Thank you Michele. Hugs, Kevin
Michele likes this comment
You have two wonderful gifts - the gift of expressing your feelings beautifully with the written word, and more importantly, your faith. Is faith a gift? I think the promise of a beautiful eternity is - and that is what our faith is providing us. Maybe you forgot to add "faith" because that part was already understood:)
Michele likes this comment
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Vital Info

Posts

October 3, 2011

Click Here

January 31, 1963

Cancer Info

Anal Cancer

Squamous Cell Carcinoma of the anus

February 5, 2010

Stage 4

2.1 - 3.0 cm

Grade 3

No

As much as possible

Proceeds from my published blog donated monthly

It is a thief

You have to live every day of your life and stay positive :)

Donate $$ to the anal cancer foundation. Raising awareness saves lives!

Is there anything good about poison?

Bone, lung recurrence 9/20/2012

Cancer Center of Kansas, MD Anderson

Bland diet, sitz baths, take your drugs...nobody gets extra credit for suffering.

Talk, talk, talk to somebody. I chose to write.

April 20, 2010

September 20, 2010

Rectal bleeding, itching, sciatic pain. (thought my hemorhoid was acting up)

My blog has been published and proceeds go to The HPV and Anal Cancer Foundation. http://tinyurl.com/72bjjfp

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