People Still Get Hurt

A few months back one of my virtual anal cancer sorority sisters passed away. She and I had been in contact sporadically over the last couple of years, but near the end of her battle (yes I said battle) with this most heinous of cancers she was desperate to talk with me and absorb any shard of hope I could offer that she could somehow survive her rapidly advancing disease. She could barely speak from her hospital bed 2000 miles away from me. I spoke to her through her sister because she could no longer hold a phone or emit a loud enough voice to be audible via cellular waves. I supported her in her most desperate hour, my heart breaking as she struggled to cling to this fragile life that we all are gifted with. I told her I would pray for her and hung up the phone shattering into pieces. I wept openly and hard sitting in my car in the Wal-Mart parking lot.

 “Get a grip.” I thought to myself. Then, for not the first time in these last six years, I started putting the pieces of myself back together. They don’t ever fit back into place quite right but I use God’s grace to hold them firmly. I sigh and then pull in a shuddered breath. There are other sisters in the fight for me to uphold. In desperate need to feel that I am truly helping others that share my awful diagnosis and to try ease the survivors guilt that is threatening my very sanity I check in with all the other sisters I am connected with. They are all in various stages of this disease. Some are in the battle and some in recovery. I text them each and after getting responses I do feel better. I turn to God in my pain over another precious life lost, pray for strength and ask God if He is sure that he wants me for this purpose as I am sure there are others better suited. I hear a resounding yes in my head and in my heart. I recommit to my calling. I promise to do my best to love and support the cancer victims brought into my path. I remind myself that my task is not to heal their bodies but perhaps be a balm on their fragile souls.

I put my car in drive. I pull to the edge of the street and sit in Wal-Mart’s drive way. My vision blurs with tears not yet shed. “I am trying my best!” I cry out. I think it’s not enough. The truth is I am trying my best but people still get hurt. The tears come.

Thomas threw a punch at your cancer.
5 people sent you a prayer.
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Oh Michelle ... I will say you HAVE been an inspiration to me. When I first got diagnosed, I was in such a bad place. I took several days and read each and everyone of your blog entries and they gave me the hope that I so desperately needed as I was waiting to begin treatment. Like you, I have shed tears over the people I have lost from this site. In some ways, I feel closer to them than some of my family members.
Praying that God will comfort you as you go through this pain. You ARE making a difference.
HUGS!!
Kathee
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And remember the brothers...like DJ and Texas Jeff, also fighting and losing their own battles. Armor up and stand together!
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The brothers are not forgotten dear Helen. I just have never been paired with one as a peer support. Only women have reached out to me through my tumblr blog.
Not surprising...somehow. I have been called by M.D.Anderson for patient support, and in the several dozen were three male patients. Not a single one actually talked to me, leaving it to their wives! I think that most guys just cannot talk about it...thanks for all you do.
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Thank you for another beautifully written post! You are an inspiration and comfort to many, and I'm sure those you keep in close contact with appreciate you more than you know. Your openness regarding this disease that so many find too embarrassing to discuss will definitely help get the word out there, and may save lives by bringing awareness to the need for early detection. Thank you for all you do!
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I think that's why some of us were spared and are still here (at least for now)- not to have 'survivor's guilt' but to put our 'having been there' empathy to good use by helping our brothers and sisters fighting the big C and other health issues. MGBY, John
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I am so sorry about your loss of your friend. I am glad that you have a group of piers, that replenished you.
There is nothing like talking with another AC sufferer, about anything, and specifically our suffering.
You are so right about the "this most heinous of cancers".
They just had another money drive for the breast cancer group. I fantasized about running out to join them and tell them about my hideous cancer, and how it's related to the other HPV related cancers. That we should all join forces to fight the beast. Instead, I am going to have a big garage sale and give the funds to Anal cancer research, because we need them to find a different treatment, that doesn't make us mangle all those daily used body parts, to attempt to kill the cancer.
Wish I could give a lot more!
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You truly have a gift for writing and a strength for helping others. You are an inspiration.
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I'm sorry you lost your friend Michele. You've walked through your own hell though. I don't know what to say sometimes when these things happen. When you get home from Walmart, hug those chihuahuas. They will hug you back. Love.
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Sorry Michele, I re-read this happened a few months ago.
You are a wonderful inspiration. You make everything real. We will all continue to fight and pray for those who survive and those who struggle.
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Thank you soul sister for being there for me. Just hearing your voice and words of encouragement lifts me up and inspires me to keep going. You'll never know what an impact you have had on my life and continue to have. I agree with God, you are on the path He has sent you on. All of us that get support from you appreciate and love you. I'm so glad that when I read this I wasn't sitting in a Wal-Mart parking lot but was at home where I could cry openly. Your Blog touched me so much. Keep doing what you are doing Soul Sister and remember I love you!! Tammie
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I love you too Soul Sister!
Michele,It is all about the love and I sure love you my friend.. you have helped me so much.. every time I went into my pet scan I see your hands and it gave me strength.. we are real sisters in Christ and have been put on this path and know each other in a way that no one else does..I think of it like this.. here we all are swimming around in this sea of life and when one of us is struggling we go and try to lift them , and help each other not drown and sometimes Jesus is in the boat and he takes one of us to heaven and we are left here to help the others keep the faith and support each other with love until it is our turn. Every day is a gift and one we can celebrate and enjoy breathing .. we can just start there..we go through alot emotionally and physically and always see someone worse off then ourselves and want to help anyway we can because that is the nature that God has given us and truly is Godlike. By helping others we help ourselves by seeing the compassion and care we want give to others and it comes right back to us knowing we are fulfilling our calling and there is a reason and purpose to all of this and someday we all will be together in heaven and it will be so good to reconnect with all the ones we love.. but for now let's enjoy the life God has given us.. even though we wear a suit of amour that has battle marks and a weary heart at times. At the end of the day there is hope and it is good to be alive and can rest knowing you have given your best and in the morning wake up to another day to able to love one another, again.. right? giving you the biggest hug,, it's going to be ok sis.. I ask in Jesus name to give you comfort in your sadness. He is our greatest comforter and is closest to us when we need him the most.. hugs and love and always prayers Sabina
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I'm sure that your authentic compassion is felt by all the lives you touch. Sit in peace this evening sister, let the tears come, and when they dry know that even in the darkest part of the night, we know the sun will shine again. Until then🔦🔦🔦 some light to get you through the darkness.💜
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Michelle, God has plans for you and you are doing an excellent job carrying out his plan. At the beginning of my treatment, I searched the Internet for any info I could find. That's when God led me to YOU, I read your post and knew I found what I was looking for. BFAC has been the only place where I am not alone, we all share similar experiences. I am so sorry about losing your friend, you were there when she needed you the most. Many people don't have that privilege. Thank you for being here for me, you gave me HOPE when I had lost it.
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God bless you, Michele. How hard this must have been for you. We do not always understand Gods way and why some of us are healed and survive and others do not. As the old hymn says..."by and by we will all understand". Were you referring to Jean? I was so shocked and saddened by her cancers return and ultimate death.....
I was shocked and saddened by Jean's cancer return and her untimely death as well. It was not her that I wrote of though. There are so many lost in these last few years...sigh.
I was shocked and saddened by Jean's cancer return and her untimely death as well. It was not her that I wrote of though. There are so many lost in these last few years...sigh.
Too many...
Michele, please do not ever feel that you have let anyone down! You are a rock and a real inspiration to so many, including me! None of us can overrule God's will. All we can do is pray for and support each other. I feel your sadness, as since 2008, I have seen so many lose the battle. Please keep doing what you do, as you will probably never know how much your words of comfort mean to me and the others whose lives you touch. I love you for all you do.

Martha
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Thank you for sharing your journey. It has meant much to me and I'm sure to others as well. You are doing God's work. PEACE...
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God uses each of us to help bring forth His plan and purpose. God has a special plan for you and you are doing a wonderful job!
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Vital Info

Posts

October 3, 2011

Click Here

January 31, 1963

Cancer Info

Anal Cancer

Squamous Cell Carcinoma of the anus

February 5, 2010

Stage 4

2.1 - 3.0 cm

Grade 3

No

As much as possible

Proceeds from my published blog donated monthly

It is a thief

You have to live every day of your life and stay positive :)

Donate $$ to the anal cancer foundation. Raising awareness saves lives!

Is there anything good about poison?

Bone, lung recurrence 9/20/2012

Cancer Center of Kansas, MD Anderson

Bland diet, sitz baths, take your drugs...nobody gets extra credit for suffering.

Talk, talk, talk to somebody. I chose to write.

April 20, 2010

September 20, 2010

Rectal bleeding, itching, sciatic pain. (thought my hemorhoid was acting up)

My blog has been published and proceeds go to The HPV and Anal Cancer Foundation. http://tinyurl.com/72bjjfp

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