Underwear Update

I have written about my underwear plenty of times over the last six plus years. They started out “toxic”, moved on to a “wasteland” (literally), and as radiation began to smolder my nether region became something like a passing fad in my life in 2010. I remember how pleased I was when I was able to put on underwear for the first time post treatment. I vowed that when I was completely healed I was going to indulge in the fanciest of panties from my local Victoria’s Secret.

Today when I was putting on my underwear and admiring their leopard print the classic mother’s saying “Put on clean underwear just in case you get hit by a car!” rattled it’s way through my brain. It made me laugh out loud and then think, “What if I do get hit by a car?” What will the EMTs think if they have to cut off my pants to examine me for bodily injury and discover these cotton, yes cotton (if you only knew what nylon does to tender post-radiated tissue), leopard underwear? Would they say, “Man, look at those undies, she must have been through hell!”? Some how I doubt it. It doesn’t seem likely that they would notice anything unusual about them. I mean hundreds, no probably thousands, of women don leopard patterned under garments on the daily. I imagine they see them all the time. I’m also quite certain I wouldn't scream “Noooo! Don’t cut the underwear!” in similar fashion to people with beloved leather jackets that have to be removed without moving them after an accident. 

I’m not that attached to them. I do appreciate them though in a way that only few can understand. Every day they remind me of how lucky I am to be alive. They bring to mind my past suffering but it doesn’t sadden me. It strengthens me. I feel powerful when I pull them on. Like a superhero and their cape. OK, maybe not that powerful. I don’t think they will enable me to fly. But I don’t need to fly. What I get to do is better than flying. I get to live!

So there’s the update on my underwear just in case you were wondering. The fact that they are clean is a bonus. (Sorry mom). 

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Love thus and soooo understand. I swore when I got "all better, I too would be new fancy panties. Bought some a little too early cause I still sometimes need creams and lotions down there. So I guess i just get to go shopping again :)
Michele likes this comment
Thanks for starting my day out with a smile!
Michele likes this comment
Love this! And I've always been a fan of animal prints - my daughter cringes when she sees me in them. I think wearing pretty undergarments makes your day happier - I have on my new pink bra today 😊 And I'm happy you're alive, Michele!
Michele likes this comment
I hadn't worn lady's undies for a few years (not knowing what was about to come), just that any tightness made me less comfortable and was glad I had found colorful boxers for during treatment. Then when healing started, and I decided to try my lady cotton on, I was shocked how comfortable they were again. Just wished I had known that resorting to boxers and enjoying chilly benches, prior to the discovery, was a symptoms of Anal Cancer. I could have saved myself all this burny crotch damage, and threat of death.
Just wish they would start doing a full pelvic exam, DRE(like the old days) and actual hands on physicals, and be REAL preventative health providers, rather than this "oh, we will wait and watch this for another year:"
I just wish I had the power to prevent further HPV cancers...
Michele likes this comment
I don't feel much like a warrior today but just scheduled a paddle boarding date for tomorrow. I wrote to John Barnes, the myofacial therapist to ask definitively the success rate of clients like me (32 normal radiation treatments and 5 cyberkbufesessions). I know he runs"intensive a" which are two to three week commitments. I didn't ask the cost because unless it was very cheap and he could guRantee it's effectiveness, I can't imagine that kind of time commitment when I have only been back to work for a year. I get so kissed when I think of how much time, money etc this beast has taken from me. From tears to anger to paddle boarding where I have to focus and don't feel any pain at all. A wise client told me years ago that their is more room outside of her for her enotions than inside. I believe that for all of us. Give yourself permission to feel anything, think anything. Even if thoughts are not fair or nice. We get choices in our actions but not our feelings. They just are. And every feeling has a beginning middle and end...from euphoria to sadness or rage. So be true to yourselves and us, your friends. No judgements here.💜💜💜
Michele likes this comment
I don't feel much like a warrior today but just scheduled a paddle boarding date for tomorrow. I wrote to John Barnes, the myofacial therapist to ask definitively the success rate of clients like me (32 normal radiation treatments and 5 cyberkbufesessions). I know he runs"intensive a" which are two to three week commitments. I didn't ask the cost because unless it was very cheap and he could guRantee it's effectiveness, I can't imagine that kind of time commitment when I have only been back to work for a year. I get so kissed when I think of how much time, money etc this beast has taken from me. From tears to anger to paddle boarding where I have to focus and don't feel any pain at all. A wise client told me years ago that their is more room outside of her for her enotions than inside. I believe that for all of us. Give yourself permission to feel anything, think anything. Even if thoughts are not fair or nice. We get choices in our actions but not our feelings. They just are. And every feeling has a beginning middle and end...from euphoria to sadness or rage. So be true to yourselves and us, your friends. No judgements here.💜💜💜
Michele likes this comment
You are so right! The combination of ways this disease has brought suffering, is all encompassing. I am sorry for your extra heavy duty suffering, but I am so glad you are here to share with us.
All these unacceptable dinner conversation body parts, but we MUST discuss it all!
All this from Michelle's fancy pants. She is so fancy!!
Michele likes this comment
Priceless! Thanks for sharing Michele. My "fancy panties" are Depends these days...🙄
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I envy you. Due to my incontinence (urinary) I have to wear depends (activewear) and a tena pad inside which I change about 6-8 times a day. I am doing everything one can do (pelvic floor exercises, Myofacial therapy) and long for a day I can don real underwear again. With a colostomy, chronic pain and urinary incontinence I am so proud of myself for returning to work (a trauma specialist....isn't that rich) and paddle board. I am a 67 strong woman but I cry as I write this to you, my friends. Some days are difficult to push through.
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Oh Regina. I know some days are harder than others. I am proud of you for returning to work! I returned to work as well (cardiac rhythm management support) and know it is not easy to do. I struggled with urinary incontinence, developed a urethral fistula and had chronic UTIs for sometime. That has all since resolved. I live with neuropathy and chronic pain as well as unpredictable bowels. Still all and all, life is good. Many prayers being sent for you my dear. Many prayers..
Michele
Regina likes this comment
You rocks Regina!; fellow 67 year old. They built us stronger than we knew! Staying busy, and my, you pick it good, really is a good thing!
When I get tired, (from building my decks, she sheds and garden houses) it all falls apart for me too. I just forgive myself for the dribbles, and just throw those clothes in the wash. I must say the hormone cream has helped along with the gyno project.
And peripheral neuropathy; waking up and the fingers are frozen and funny feeling.
We have a right to our tears!
You and Michelle are true leaders for our war!!
Michele likes this comment
Just wrote a long post and it disappeared. Thank you
I have leopard undies on today too!! :)
Michele likes this comment
LOL! Perhaps this is TMI, but at age 62 (for a few more weeks!), I still wear bikinis. Let the EMT's laugh, I say!
Michele likes this comment
Things most of us take for granted!!!
Michele likes this comment
I guess I am just plain Jane, as long as they fit comfy I am happy. On the down side, I still have bowel issues from time to time and need to wear the not so comfy Depends. It is nice though to feel happy about the things not often seen.
Michele likes this comment
I remember Gram saying that Michelle, "wear clean undies on case your in an accident"! Lol, I think my undies would be the last thing on my mind in that situation. Although, all those sublininals probably did sink in to an extent!
Michele likes this comment
You Make Me Laugh So Hard. I happen to have had my beloved leopard underwear on yesterday and had and accident too. You would think after 7 years I wouldn't have to continue to deal with this any more. Thanks Michelle for keeping things "fresh". Love you Soul Sister!!
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Vital Info

Posts

October 3, 2011

Click Here

January 31, 1963

Cancer Info

Anal Cancer

Squamous Cell Carcinoma of the anus

February 5, 2010

Stage 4

2.1 - 3.0 cm

Grade 3

No

As much as possible

Proceeds from my published blog donated monthly

It is a thief

You have to live every day of your life and stay positive :)

Donate $$ to the anal cancer foundation. Raising awareness saves lives!

Is there anything good about poison?

Bone, lung recurrence 9/20/2012

Cancer Center of Kansas, MD Anderson

Bland diet, sitz baths, take your drugs...nobody gets extra credit for suffering.

Talk, talk, talk to somebody. I chose to write.

April 20, 2010

September 20, 2010

Rectal bleeding, itching, sciatic pain. (thought my hemorhoid was acting up)

My blog has been published and proceeds go to The HPV and Anal Cancer Foundation. http://tinyurl.com/72bjjfp

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