When Words Won't Come

This blog is long over due. I often forget that the people that follow my blog do not necessarily follow me on other forms of social media like Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. And while it's easy to post something short on these convenient forms of communication blogging takes much more time. The next thing I know time has slipped by and I have have neglected to blog and let EVERYBODY know my tests results etc. So I will start with saying I am very sorry. Now let me relieve everybody's minds by saying that my rescan showed a reduction in size of the granulation and I will be followed again with another scan in October. Until then it will be business as usual for me and business has been anything but usual. One of my children got married and there has been plenty of personal drama into the bargain. My job has been busier than ever and I question whether I will be able to continue this pace for much more time. I definitely will not for 12 more years which will be, God willing, when I can retire. I would not call myself disabled as much as simply very chronically fatigued. 

I have also been busy with awareness activities for anal cancer and have made my way onto the national lobby scene as well. I have been working closely with ACS CAN (American Cancer Society Cancer Action Network) and also fulfilling my duties on the Midwest Cancer Alliance PIVOT Board working with establishing patient partners with researchers. I also am sitting on my local OPAFC (Oncology Patient and Family Council). With work being so overwhelming right now somethings just fell through the cracks and blogging was among them.

Finally, blogging for me is a form a catharsis. It cleanses me. It helps me release things into the universe. I have a few things that I can't release because it will hurt others . That is presenting a problem for me. (It's all personal and nobody directly related on BFAC) I have never been able to just let a few words flow and then stop the ones that need to stay inside. This is the end result of that and I'm sorry if it has worried, hurt or disappointed any of you. This is a less than colorful blog post that feels as flat as it sounds when I reread it for spelling errors. I feel sad just reading that. My words feel cornered and the result is they can't escape around what is bullying them back, holding them at bay, caging them. Oddly the cage door stands open and I beckon to my diction. It stays put. What's a girl to do when words won't come?

Lenaecpht, Karen like this post.
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Michele, So glad to hear from you. Hope everything continues to go well. Take care of yourself. Yoga, massage, etc. Thanks for all the work you do for all of us.
Thomas likes this comment
Thank you for the kind words. I need yoga and a massage like none other!
Glad to hear from you. Sorry you cannot be yourself on here. Hugs, love, and prayers
It's not on here. It's the personal drama and involves family. All my warrior friends on here are great!
Lori likes this comment
I am sorry for any issues preventing you from opening you. Life is always more complicated then it has to be. Hugs for good results with scans.
Thank you Laura. Your kindness touches me.
Laura likes this comment
What a wonderful writer you are..THANK YOU!
Thomas likes this comment
Helen, you are my hero. I have known you from the start of my journey my friend!
OH my. I am so honored....we've pretty much been on this journey together but you had the really bumpy road. YOU are MY shining star!
Michele likes this comment
Hi... Glad your scan results were good... Difficult to write a blog when there are things on your mind that you cannot write about. Thank you for sharing what you could. The old expression that discretion is the better part of valor seems to resonate for you. I wish you well in the drama that must be going on in all that is unspoken and hope that it is not causing you too much stress or distress. Hopefully you take care of yourself. Be well... Neal
Thomas likes this comment
Thank you. You clearly can see me for who I am Neal. Thank you for being understanding.
Neal, Thomas like this comment
Thank heavens for the good scan news .. you have been on our minds so we are relieved to hear this. We're sorry though to read you have other difficulties and hope they are soon sorted so the words can be set free again. Take care. Hugs :*)
Neal likes this comment
Thomas, thank you for the supportive words and kindness.
Thomas likes this comment
Michelle, glad to see your post. I am so glad about your public involvement. You go girl! I am sorry everything is weighing on you. Your posts are so important to so many of us. I am sorry you feel you have to hold back.
Sending much love. My goal is to get from stage 4 to NED. You are my inspiration





Thomas likes this comment
Betsy, I am glad to inspire you and hope my silence hasn't caused you undo distress. I pray for you to be NED my friend!
Betsy likes this comment
Oh my gosh so relieved to hear about your scan. It sounds like you need to book a little time for yourself!! Thank you so much for all you do for us!!! Hugs and prayers. Your health is so important to all of us!!
Thank you Bonnie. I think I do need a little time for myself as well. Cheers!
Hi Michelle! I'm glad your Scan turned out well and blessings on all your future scans too. You know what to do when you've got drama, conflict or ugh of any kind going on in your life? YOU HUG A CHIHUAHUA!!! And you and I have two to hug, double sugar 😘! These things work out, they always do. And please get more rest. 💐
Neal, Thomas like this comment
Marcia, They are both laying in my lap as I type this to you! Hugs
Marcia, Thomas like this comment
Umm, Aunty, if you don't have a Chihuahua you can also hug a Kelpie/Border Collie cross BOL BOL BOL
Michele likes this comment
I am so glad, Michele, that the rescan provided good news. Have been so worried about you. Hugs.
Mari ~ I'm so sorry to have worried you. That makes me sad. Thank you for responding here. Hugs.
Michele
I hope your daughter's wedding was wonderful! My oldest is getting married next June, and I've discovered something new about myself - I'm not into wedding planning! Oh well, I'll do my best..... I'm glad your scan looked better - hope that trend continues for you. Thank you for all the work you do getting the word out there about AC - you are a true warrior! I'm sorry about the family drama - I know that's so annoying. My husband has a step-family that he's not very close with. They were all very nice to me when I went through treatment, but I'm realizing now that was merely an act. Oh well, nothing I can do about it. Yoga and massage are both excellent, but it doesn't sound like you have any time for that right now - sorry!
Julie, thank you for the kind words. My time is limited it's true. The drama is coming from my side. All is well with my hubby and children but not so much with one of my siblings. It hurts and saddens me. Regardless, the sun will rise in the east.
Michele
So pleased to hear from you - your silence worries me. Glad all is well with you. Hope the personal issues get resolved - we all need a stress free life now. Take care. Hugs Annabelle
Hugs to you my friend!
Michele, you are doing it. :) When words won't come, you just write and blog and see what pours out of you. Most times, it will be amazing what was in there, just awaiting release.
Working and living with cancer is a really tall order - especially when one's work is demanding and stressful at the best of times. You seem to be aware of its toll on you, and good for you for surmising there might come a time that a 5-day workweek just isn't realistic. The immune system needs energy! Beware that temptation to take on too much - being involved with cancer awareness can be draining, too.
Do you think the words' reticence might have to do with resisting the wisdom they offer?
All the best,
Palp.
Michele, Ann like this comment
Ah, you strike the nerve very well! I struggle with knowing the consequences making a change will cause for others. I need to put my health first, but doing so will hurt my long time friend and business partner. I want to put my energy into what is meaningful not what is necessarily profitable and that is tough for folks to understand. Change is coming for me. Stay tuned....
Ann likes this comment
I am so happy to know that your scan showed improvement! I will be keeping you in my prayers for another good scan in October. God bless you for all that you do for the community of cancer patients and their families. You are simply awesome! Love you, Michele!
Ann likes this comment
Love you back Martha!
Smurf, Ann like this comment
Michelle, words are your strength and your gift to us. I am so glad the granulation shrunk and become less of a concern. I am so grateful to you for your work with ACS CAN and MCA. i am confident you can turn the darkness in the ongoing drama into light, if not for you alone, but for "them" as well.
Ann likes this comment
Linda,
Your words made me smile. Thanks for the love and the boost to my spirit!
Michele
Ann likes this comment
It is great to hear from you. Sorry for the struggles. Thanks for all the wonderful things you are doing for the cause. Try to enjoy the good things in life around you and separate from the drama and negativity as much as you can :)
Hi Jana,
I am trying to get refocused on just that. Separating from drama and rising beyond negativity. Yoga helps with that some.
Take care,
Michele
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Vital Info

Posts

October 3, 2011

Click Here

January 31, 1963

Cancer Info

Anal Cancer

Squamous Cell Carcinoma of the anus

February 5, 2010

Stage 4

2.1 - 3.0 cm

Grade 3

No

As much as possible

Proceeds from my published blog donated monthly

It is a thief

You have to live every day of your life and stay positive :)

Donate $$ to the anal cancer foundation. Raising awareness saves lives!

Is there anything good about poison?

Bone, lung recurrence 9/20/2012

Cancer Center of Kansas, MD Anderson

Bland diet, sitz baths, take your drugs...nobody gets extra credit for suffering.

Talk, talk, talk to somebody. I chose to write.

April 20, 2010

September 20, 2010

Rectal bleeding, itching, sciatic pain. (thought my hemorhoid was acting up)

My blog has been published and proceeds go to The HPV and Anal Cancer Foundation. http://tinyurl.com/72bjjfp

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