Somewhere In The Wake

I haven’t posted in a while. There is this thing called “life” that can take over your very existence. I have been feeling unsettled within my soul and realized I was holding things locked inside, or “buttoned up” as it is often referred to. I realized as of late that I need to unleash some things and the best way for me is to write it out. When I write about things that bother me my turmoil is released. So here goes.

I liken life to a body of water that is effected by the elements. Wind, heat, storms, cold all impacting the seas of our existence. Cancer is not like those elements at all. It is more like a barge that slices through your waters churning up what is even deep below the surface, the unseen. When it first entered the scene in 2010 it plowed right down the center pushing everything in it’s path to side. My family, my friends, my career, essentially my very life engulfed by the ripple effect. It crossed my waters, chugging in unpredictably taking a basically uncharted course for three years. Then it disappeared. Several times since it vanished I thought I saw it on the horizon, making it’s way back for another run but fortunately that has not been the case.

All is well, right? I mean I look great, or so I’ve been told, both physically and on paper (most of the time). Despite a few hiccoughs I have persevered. I have remained positive and happy for the most part and that is because my joy hovers over my seas and isn’t impacted by the elements or the barge that churns my seas. My joy comes from high above so I need not worry. I believe God is with me and that can’t be taken from me or destroyed. That being said, the impact of my cancer is almost unfathomable. It’s the wake created by the barge of that big, fat, ugly illness of anal cancer that I struggle with. The physical impact of every surgery and all the treatments have left behind damage unseen on the surface. That damn barge scraped along the bottom of my depths tearing up the floor. Even my own body’s attempt to heal what has been ravaged upon me has worked against me, scar tissue invading where life saving surgery and radiation were given, bones dying, fatigue plaguing me. My doctors work to care for me often not knowing what lurks beneath the surface because I have defied all odds. I shouldn’t be here. Most wouldn’t be here. I should have slipped from this life six years ago as predicted. I am a puzzle to be solved, an enigma of sorts really. I need to say that things may not always be as they appear on the surface or on paper. I am here, and make no mistake I am grateful to be, but it is a battle when you are caught somewhere in the wake.

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Well written as always Michele. You summed up much of what I have been feeling lately. Only those who have been on our particular sea understand. I'm beyond grateful to be alive, but the wake from the barge is sometimes overwhelming.... Sending hugs, love, and prayers
Sara, Michele like this comment
Yes, yes, yes! Thank you again, Michele - you are a beautiful writer. I was just thinking about this - how everyone has moved on from my cancer, and I’m still dealing with the after effects. I rarely talk about it bc I don’t want to be that complaining woman reminding everyone that I had cancer. So happy for this blog to vent! I hope you are enjoying your beautiful grand daughter - grand babies are the best!
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Right Julie? And if ID say anything the responses usually "But you're here". Again come beyond grateful I am alive. But…
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What Lori said...♥️
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Simply beautiful...thank you. xo
Michele, Cheryl like this comment
Beautifully expressed Michelle, and so, so on target. Not only did the barge scrape the bottom, it emerged with barnacles! At least for me. I'm forever grateful to you, for the hope you bring, and I rejoice in your existence. Bless~
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So well written. I felt I was always plagued by my own body turned against itself. I try to go with each day which is hard as I have spent most of the past few months going from biopsy to doctor to radiation and back. I want to live in the moment, but find that time is often a struggle with bowel issues, chronic pain mixed with what can I eat and what will be the best for me.
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Second all these comments!!!
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You're a very good writer! Prayers for your healing that's unseen!! XOXO, Lenae
Michele, Cheryl like this comment
Beautiful ... wow! Thanks, Michele.
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I don't know how you get your inspiration, but this barge is spot on. Thank you, I can relate to it. And you really are a great writer!
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Beautifully written Michelle and describes accurately the journey on this sea that is mysterious and scary not knowing when the storm will come. Although we have survived, I feel like every day is a fight for life between diet, exercise, supplements, managing stress; everything that has been suggested to keep cancer at bay. Living with fear as each arising symptom day by day wakens that painful memory. Thanks for sharing your private thoughts with us. Hugs..
Michele, Cheryl like this comment
Your words ring true for most (or all) of us. Thank you for sharing your beautiful soul and words with us.
Michele, Cheryl like this comment
All you have said I can relate to! I was recently on a vacation with a group of friends and I mentioned one morning that I wished I could have a cup of coffee to wake up, to which they all said "just have one!" Little do they know that my body isn't what it used to be, including my over-active bladder! Not good on a road trip! I love ya, Michele!
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Can definitely relate to your writings. Writing is certainly a talent of yours.
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Vital Info

Posts

October 3, 2011

Click Here

January 31, 1963

Cancer Info

Anal Cancer

Squamous Cell Carcinoma of the anus

February 5, 2010

Stage 4

2.1 - 3.0 cm

Grade 3

No

As much as possible

Proceeds from my published blog donated monthly

It is a thief

You have to live every day of your life and stay positive :)

Donate $$ to the anal cancer foundation. Raising awareness saves lives!

Is there anything good about poison?

Bone, lung recurrence 9/20/2012

Cancer Center of Kansas, MD Anderson

Bland diet, sitz baths, take your drugs...nobody gets extra credit for suffering.

Talk, talk, talk to somebody. I chose to write.

April 20, 2010

September 20, 2010

Rectal bleeding, itching, sciatic pain. (thought my hemorhoid was acting up)

My blog has been published and proceeds go to The HPV and Anal Cancer Foundation. http://tinyurl.com/72bjjfp

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