From Somewhere Up Above

I have been missing my bestie, Laurie, as of late. I always miss her. This however is extra and beyond my usual ache when I think of her. My health has been a little bit sketchy these days. It’s like my long term side effects have all ganged up on me at the same time. They are hard enough to deal with on their own, but when they intersect...well, it’s nothing short of a hopeless feeling. It’s kind of like being face down on the ground with someone who is a lot bigger than you with their knee in the center of your back and they are shoving your face into the ground with one hand and restraining your hands with the other. It feels like you are suffocating. Like you can’t cry out, and worse yet, people are witnessing this and are willing to help, but you have to ask the right person and you have no idea anymore who that is. So, there I was just panicking and not saying what I need because I need so much. For the last few weeks I have been seeing doctors and having tests and checking off who my helper might be and thinking the whole time “Laurie would know what to do. She would know exactly who could help me.” I found myself engulfed in a feeling of abandonment. Like she just left me here and walked on. Then, she didn’t just tap me on the shoulder, she wrapped her love around me. Let me explain.

Laurie was a master of her craft as a Nurse Practitioner, a fierce and loyal friend to many, and she was always helping somebody. As I have traipsed through the last month of my life she really has been beside me, but I was too overwhelmed to see her there. When I started with the orthopedic doctor, he said he wasn’t the one to help. I needed to see my much sought after, amazing neurosurgeon again, his PA said “Let me put a call in for you”. I then went to see my oncologist and he wasn’t sure if he was the one to help me, but he listened and tests were ordered. His nurse helped by putting in a referral to my neurosurgeon as well while we waited for tests and faxed my results to his office even before I knew what they were. Still I was missing Laurie’s presence. I was unsure which direction I should go. All I could think was “Laurie would know what to do? What should I do?!”

My husband went with me to get my MRI results and we were thrilled that cancer was not wreaking all this havoc on my body, it was scar tissue and bulging discs. The neurosurgeon was going to be the person that could help get this knee out of the middle of back to help stop the suffocation. I felt overwhelmed for just minute and told my husband on the drive home that I wished Laurie was here because she would know just what to do. That’s when I felt her beside me like a whisper saying “You know what to do.I left you in the best of hands.” 

When we got home, I poured a glass of wine and opened my Facebook messenger. I reached out to one of Laurie’s other besties. One of her most respected colleagues, the one she had entrusted my care to 9 years ago when my tumor was first discovered, my neurosurgeon’s Nurse Practitioner. It felt kind of forward of me to just send her a message about health, but this was important. This was my health and I felt Laurie telling me to not be afraid, to be bold, like she would be if she were walking still among us. I typed a short message, took a long sip of wine and pressed the send button not knowing what would happen. Within a minute I had a response filled with care and concern and a few questions. I typed back my answers and so it went. In five minutes there was a plan made and she messaged back to me that she would take care of things. Worry drained away and I felt like help was on the way. My bestie’s whispers were right. I did know what to do. She did leave me in the best of hands. She left me all the love from her I could ever need. I just had to open my heart to it and feel her care coming from somewhere up above.

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Michele likes this comment
A really inspiring story Michele, thank you for sharing. Sometimes the answers to our innermost questions come from within us, as Laurie lives on in you. Sending love your way.
I love this, Michele. People do guide us through life, even though their physical presence is gone. Sending big hugs and lots of love to you!
Michele, Carol like this comment
I am sorry that your body has ganged up on you. I am sorry for the loss of your friend, too. When did that happen? I get notifications, pray for people, but, alas, I don't always log in.
That said, God -- and his angels, work in mysterious ways. If we obey that nagging little voice (not always easy), usually, great things will happen. Hope you feel better soon and thank Laurie for her "presence." 😇
Carol P.
Michele, Sabina like this comment
What a wonderful story of love and resilience. Nurse Practitioners are special. Don't know where I'd be without mine she's been with me for 8 years, through thick and thin. We are a team. I'm so glad you are getting the help you need via your guardian angel!
Michele likes this comment
She is looking over you all the time!! You are a true inspiration to me. Right now have recurance of anal cancer in my lungs. Who gets butt cancer in their lungs? Just kidding!! I am dealing with so many issues from side effects it’s ridiculous!! But continue to fight the fight!!!
3 people like this comment
Me...I get butt cancer in my lungs. You and me, me and you, us. Not the greatest club, but that’s ok. Here we are, living our best lives :)
Lily, Sandy like this comment
Hey just checking in to see how you are doing? Hope all is well!!
Thanks for checking on me. In the throws of my disability claim from my long term side effects. But all is quiet on the cancer front. I rescan in 3 weeks.
Well keep us posted!! My scan is about that same time. I’ve been on Opdivo since July. You are such an inspiration to everyone, just wanted you to know you are awesome!!!
Michele likes this comment
God will provide all our needs and all good comes from him. he is with you when you need him most and puts people in our lives to ease the trip. You know how much he loves you.. you are the perfect example of love... he is revealed in you... let your love pour out in all you do and know you are loved and replenished. I love you and saying a prayer of healing xo hugs and love and always prayers Sabina
Michele likes this comment
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January 31, 1963 - June 10, 2020

Vital Info


October 3, 2011

Click Here

January 31, 1963

June 10

Cancer Info

Anal Cancer

Squamous Cell Carcinoma of the anus

February 5, 2010

Stage 4

2.1 - 3.0 cm

Grade 3


As much as possible

Proceeds from my published blog donated monthly

It is a thief

You have to live every day of your life and stay positive :)

Donate $$ to the anal cancer foundation. Raising awareness saves lives!

Is there anything good about poison?

Bone, lung recurrence 9/20/2012

Cancer Center of Kansas, MD Anderson

Bland diet, sitz baths, take your drugs...nobody gets extra credit for suffering.

Talk, talk, talk to somebody. I chose to write.

April 20, 2010

September 20, 2010

Rectal bleeding, itching, sciatic pain. (thought my hemorhoid was acting up)

My blog has been published and proceeds go to The HPV and Anal Cancer Foundation.


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