From Somewhere Up Above
I have been missing my bestie, Laurie, as of late. I always miss her. This however is extra and beyond my usual ache when I think of her. My health has been a little bit sketchy these days. It’s like my long term side effects have all ganged up on me at the same time. They are hard enough to deal with on their own, but when they intersect...well, it’s nothing short of a hopeless feeling. It’s kind of like being face down on the ground with someone who is a lot bigger than you with their knee in the center of your back and they are shoving your face into the ground with one hand and restraining your hands with the other. It feels like you are suffocating. Like you can’t cry out, and worse yet, people are witnessing this and are willing to help, but you have to ask the right person and you have no idea anymore who that is. So, there I was just panicking and not saying what I need because I need so much. For the last few weeks I have been seeing doctors and having tests and checking off who my helper might be and thinking the whole time “Laurie would know what to do. She would know exactly who could help me.” I found myself engulfed in a feeling of abandonment. Like she just left me here and walked on. Then, she didn’t just tap me on the shoulder, she wrapped her love around me. Let me explain.
Laurie was a master of her craft as a Nurse Practitioner, a fierce and loyal friend to many, and she was always helping somebody. As I have traipsed through the last month of my life she really has been beside me, but I was too overwhelmed to see her there. When I started with the orthopedic doctor, he said he wasn’t the one to help. I needed to see my much sought after, amazing neurosurgeon again, his PA said “Let me put a call in for you”. I then went to see my oncologist and he wasn’t sure if he was the one to help me, but he listened and tests were ordered. His nurse helped by putting in a referral to my neurosurgeon as well while we waited for tests and faxed my results to his office even before I knew what they were. Still I was missing Laurie’s presence. I was unsure which direction I should go. All I could think was “Laurie would know what to do? What should I do?!”
My husband went with me to get my MRI results and we were thrilled that cancer was not wreaking all this havoc on my body, it was scar tissue and bulging discs. The neurosurgeon was going to be the person that could help get this knee out of the middle of back to help stop the suffocation. I felt overwhelmed for just minute and told my husband on the drive home that I wished Laurie was here because she would know just what to do. That’s when I felt her beside me like a whisper saying “You know what to do.I left you in the best of hands.”
When we got home, I poured a glass of wine and opened my Facebook messenger. I reached out to one of Laurie’s other besties. One of her most respected colleagues, the one she had entrusted my care to 9 years ago when my tumor was first discovered, my neurosurgeon’s Nurse Practitioner. It felt kind of forward of me to just send her a message about health, but this was important. This was my health and I felt Laurie telling me to not be afraid, to be bold, like she would be if she were walking still among us. I typed a short message, took a long sip of wine and pressed the send button not knowing what would happen. Within a minute I had a response filled with care and concern and a few questions. I typed back my answers and so it went. In five minutes there was a plan made and she messaged back to me that she would take care of things. Worry drained away and I felt like help was on the way. My bestie’s whispers were right. I did know what to do. She did leave me in the best of hands. She left me all the love from her I could ever need. I just had to open my heart to it and feel her care coming from somewhere up above.
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August 2, 2019 at 9:16AM PDT by Private UserI am sorry that your body has ganged up on you. I am sorry for the loss of your friend, too. When did that happen? I get notifications, pray for people, but, alas, I don't always log in.
That said, God -- and his angels, work in mysterious ways. If we obey that nagging little voice (not always easy), usually, great things will happen. Hope you feel better soon and thank Laurie for her "presence." 😇
Hugs!
Carol P.
